The Care and Feeding of Nerds

The King of Strange Injuries

2012-02-02T07:43:00.002-07:00

I am profoundly skilled at injuring myself in strange ways. There is a running joke in my family that I will always injure myself playing football on Thanksgiving, leaving my wife to do all the cooking work. In an attempt to end that curse a few years ago, I didn't make any plans to play football. Instead, I managed to stab a sliver of metal from my belt buckle through my thumb nail. The end then broke off leaving it complete unremovable. I still have no idea how that happened but it left my thumb sore for the next month.

In the sprirt of that freak occurence, I jammed my pinkie two nights ago. I jammed it against my own leg while I was trying to catch a falling bunch of asparagus.

I deserve an award or something. Or maybe my wife does.

They Pay You For That!?

2012-01-27T09:26:00.002-07:00

I am an electrical engineer. We come in many different flavors but my particular specialty is electronic circuit design. Lately, at work, I have been designing a new circuit and have been working on the schematics. At dinner last night, I was telling my wife that I have a review coming up next week and I was a little frustrated that at work that day, a change had been made to the requirements meaning that I had to update the schematics.

My six year old daughter looked at me and asked, "What's a meschatic?"

I explained, "A schematic is a drawing of an electrical circuit. It tells people how to make it so that electricity goes the way we want and does what we want it to do."

I pointed at the light above us. "This light is an electric circuit. So is the computer. Some circuits are simple like this light and some are complex like the computer. I make complex ones that go in missiles."

She looked at me with wonder in her eyes. "You draw all day at work!?"

Yes. Yes I do.

This One's For You, Mrawmins

2012-01-24T16:40:00.001-07:00

Found in a candy shop at the end of pier 39 in San Francisco. Let the gathering of Israel commence... in my belly.

Fire Baby

2012-01-22T16:28:00.002-07:00

I was burning up some old tree trimmings in the backyard when I looked up and saw this.

I don't think she brought a hot dog on purpose but I still think it's funny.

What Nerds Do Without Trucks

2011-12-10T14:17:00.002-07:00

A friend of mine needed help moving rocks this morning so I went over to help.

Yes, that's a wheelbarrow.

Yes, it's on top of a bike trailer; I collapsed it.

It may be hard to see but those are bungee cords holding it in place - we're big on safety around here.

A lot of cars honked at me on my way over. They must have thought it was a really good idea too.

Emissions Exemption

2011-08-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

I live in one of those rare but wonderful parts of the country that are exempt from emissions testing for car registrations (assuming you don't drive into the metro area north of here for school or work). We also don't have safety inspections. I'm not sure if all states do this now or not but we have online registration renewals too. This means that the yearly hassle of driving around at the end of the month to get the registration renewed isn't really an issue for us. We just go to the DMV website, type in our information, give them a credit card number, and they send us a new sticker in the mail. Easy as pie. In theory.

You see, the northern tip of the zip code I live in is not exempt from emissions testing. And the criteria the DMV website uses to determine your requirement status? Zip code, of course. When I called the DMV to clear this up (silly me thinking it could be done over the phone) I was told that all I had to do was go in to a DMV office, fill out an emissions exemption form, bring in photocopies of my current registration, a utility bill, and my most recent property tax valuation, a pound of flesh, a lock of hair from my first born child and $9 to process the paperwork.

Now, as a general rule, I try to be as polite and friendly as possible over the phone. I know that the level one operators have absolutely no power. They don't make the rules, they can't change the rules, and getting upset with them will get you nowhere. They deal with cranky people all day and the best way to get anywhere with them is to be nice. So, as nicely as I could, I tried to explain that I was sure that this couldn't be the solution to my problem. Surely all somebody really needed to do was look at the address I had on record (You know, the one you use to send me my registration renewal form? The one you used to figure out what zip code I live in?) and use the handy map (also on the website) to figure out that I quite clearly live outside the emissions control zone.

That cheek earned me 30 minutes on hold waiting for a level 2 operator. Honestly, in 30 minutes, they could have given my level 1 operator level 2 operator training and I wouldn't have had to listen to the bad music and the interruptions every 30 seconds telling me that my call is important. All to no avail. DMV policy is that those who live in a partially covered zip code automatically get the requirement on their registration until they submit an emissions exemption form which becomes a permanent part of their registration.

I just want to point out that this is why average people hate the government. It's annoying to see lawmakers bickering on capitol hill but we forget that pretty quickly (which is why we keep electing them). It's the little but constant irritations stemming from government bureaucracies and inefficiencies that really drive the angst. To start with, the DMV has my address on file. There is no reason for them to be in doubt about where I live. The DMV also has a fairly high fidelity map on their website so that visitors can see if they live in or out of the control zone. Why they can't use these tools at their disposal to determine actual emissions requirement status is beyond my ability to comprehend. Secondly, why on earth do I need to bring a copy of my current registration to the DMV to process an emissions exemption form? Isn't that the one thing they should have? My most recent property tax valuation and a recent utility bill? Really? I think we've already established that my address is no mystery. And even if I were to accept that they need to make absolutely sure I wasn't lying about my address, why is it that they'll just take my word on the fact that I don't drive the vehicle into the metro area to the north for school or work?

The entire process strains credulity and makes my blood boil. But it's possible that it is still preferable to actually getting the emissions tested.

Sushi!

2011-06-06T05:11:00.001-07:00

My wife doesn't like sushi. It's a shame since it means I don't get to eat it very often but at least it means I don't have to share. I decided a while back that I wanted some but I was stymied by not being able to find a rolling mat at the grocery store. The sushi hater finally said, "Why don't you just order one off of Amazon?" Genius. Apparently, they sell nori sheets too.

I like all kinds of sushi but when it comes down to it, it's hard to beat a good California roll.

Only one of my children was brave enough to try a bite and she quickly decided it wasn't for her. My wife, to her credit did eat one, if only to verify that yep, she doesn't like sushi.

But, then again, who would be sad about leftover sushi?

Luckily, I planned for nobody else wanting to eat any and got some pizza too.

Pizza and sushi: not a bad combination, really.

Gyoza Fried Rice

2011-06-04T11:07:00.003-07:00

I made gyoza last weekend. It was a happy day. Midway through eating, my stomach started to hurt. So I kept eating until it went away. I made 52 gyoza and froze half so that I could have another happy day sometime in the future. There was, however, one dark cloud in my otherwise perfect gyoza filled day: I ran out of wrappers before the filling was used up. My eyes teared up at the gyoza that would never be made. Never would the filling be warmly nestled in a wrapper, never would it be lovingly caressed by the hot oil that would give it a perfect brown crust. The weight of this culinary crime was almost too much to bear until the dark cloud broke, revealing the silver lining: I could save the filling and use it to make fried rice.

Gyoza Fried Rice:

I had about a cup of leftover filling but any amount will work - fried rice is good like that.

Heat a generous amount of vegetable oil in a frying pan/wok. Don't be shy with the oil since you need enough to fry the rice in as well. Toss in a carrot, half a medium onion, and a few garlic cloves, all finely chopped. When the onions start to brown, add the gyoza filling and break it up into small pieces as it cooks. When the filling is cooked through, I put in a quarter of a chopped head of cabbage. (I had it left over from when I made the gyoza and I though it would add some nice color and texture) Let the cabbage start to wilt and then dump in 4 cups of cooked rice (2 cups uncooked). I seasoned mine with soy sauce, rice vinegar, and ginger (get it, just like gyoza). Let the rice fry, turning occasionally until a crust starts to form on the bottom. Serve immediately and reminisce about the wonderful gyoza of days gone by.

Fathers and Sons Campout

2011-05-30T06:46:00.002-07:00

The first time I went to a fathers and sons campout my son was only 10 months old, so I took my daughter instead. The next time, I took my son but he threw up on the way. This time, I put Return of the Jedi in the DVD player to distract fom the windy road and we arrived sans barf; it was the best fathers and sons campout yet and we hadn't even set up the tent yet.

We camped at Camp Zion on Mt. Lemmon. It's got nice facilities, including pallets for tents, a mess hall, an amphitheatre and outhouses with toilet paper! The city of Tucson is right behind me in the above picture. The city lights were pretty amazing when we came back to our tent after the program.

Chubs was excited to sleep in his new Darth Vader sleeping bag. I was excited to sleep on an air matress.

The next morning, there were 15 carnival games set up for the boys. There was a ring toss, lawn darts, steer lassoing, a cross betweeen a battering ram and bowling, paper airplanes, a jumping castle, and several others.

Of course, walking around on a montain can be treacherous. The paved paths help but little boys aren't very good at staying on paths.

This is the sad face after tripping over some rocks.

The overwhelming favorite activity was the rockets. We made tubes of construction paper, taped a soda bottle cap on top, and added some fins for stability.

The launcher was a PVC frame with a tube coming off one end with a two liter bottle attached. Place the rocket on the pipe sticking up and stomp on the bottle.

It probably would have been one of the best fathers and sons campouts even if chubs had puked on the way up.

I'd Never Thought of it Quite Like That...

2011-05-29T05:39:00.000-07:00

From my three-year-old-son at the dinner table: "My water flushed the bread into my tummy just like the water in the toilet flushes the pee and poo into its tummy. Because toilets eat pee and poo."

I Know My Son Loves Me Because...

2011-05-22T07:36:00.001-07:00

"We could put daddy in jail for the rest of his life. That would be stupendous!"

A Long Time Ago In A Family Room Far Far Away...

2011-03-26T21:16:00.004-07:00

My kids love watching Star Wars.

My kids love having lightsaber fights while watching Star Wars.

My kids fight over who gets to be Darth Vader. (Usually whoever has the red lightsaber)

They had a laser gun fight in the backyard yesterday.

It warms my nerd heart.

Fear the Pi

2011-03-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

In honor of pi day, I should probably stop wasting time designing t-shirts.

Happy Pi Day

Pie Steam Vents

2011-03-07T11:08:00.001-07:00

I like to make pie but I don't like to make regular steam vents.

I was looking back over some of the steam vents that I've cut over the years.

I think they're getting more elaborate.

being a baby sucks

2011-03-05T11:45:00.001-07:00

I'm sure it makes me a horrible person but this face made me laugh.

And it inspired this design:

I think this would be totally awesome printed on a onesie

Yup, I like it.

Irony in Advertising

2010-10-18T12:03:00.003-07:00

I just got an email from American Express advertising American Express Gift Cards.

The ad was titled, "Be more original this year" and led with the line, "Gift giving just got a little more thoughtful."

And all this time I thought I was copping out with the gift card...

Foreign Hits

2010-09-23T09:23:00.003-07:00

I use a website called SiteMeter to monitor the traffic on my blog. I put this in back when I thought I was going to be a rich and famous blogger one day and would need to know the traffic patterns of the millions of my adoring fans. If I'd gotten an agent instead, he would have told me that going months without posting would kill my readership to die hard friends and family. So now, instead of analyzing traffic patterns, I just use SiteMeter to spy on my visitors. For anybody who still thinks 'anonymous' and 'web-surfing' belong in the same sentence, let me tell you that you leave far more than comments when you stop by my blog. I can see your:

Domain Name
IP Address
Service Provider
Physical Location
Computer Operating System
Web Browser
Size of your Monitor (I have no idea why that would be important)
Time of Visit
Length of Visit
Number of Pages Viewed
The Web Page Where you Clicked the Link to My Blog
The First Page you Looked At
The Last Page you Looked At
The Link you Clicked on to Leave my Blog

One thing that's really neat is that I can look at a map of the last 10/20/50/100 visits. I usually just see the dots in the places you'd expect: California, Utah, St. Louis, Indiana. Every once in a while, though, I will be surprised to see dots in Brazil, Poland, Russia, the Netherlands, India, Japan, or the United Kingdom.

I can't help but wonder what brought them to my blog. Enter the spying. I can click on the dot to get details about their visit. Most of the time I find that they linked from a list of Google Search results, in which case, SiteMeter also tells me what their search terms were. The word, 'nerd' is always present.

This has led me to some interesting conclusions. First of all, 'nerd' is a slang term. This means that for all its ubiquity in conversation, it is used only rarely in written communication. Thus, the fact that I use the term so often causes my blog to rank highly in searches where 'nerd' is in the search string. This post seems to be the most often stumbled upon: it is usually on the first page of results for the searches that bring foreigners to my blog.

Secondly, I can't help but wonder if some people in some other country are taking me seriously. Perhaps I need to put a warning up in several languages that the writer of this blog is rarely serious and that nothing contained within it should be used in research papers of any kind (This post got a hit by somebody looking for sources about the medical benefits of vapor machines).

I've also realized that I'm not being very helpful to the international community, as evidenced by the fact that most visitors spend only a second or two looking at my blog before they hit the 'back' button. I never seem to be what they're looking for. This would probably hurt my feelings if I still had any.

Kid's got chops!

2010-09-17T08:51:00.003-07:00

In case there were any doubts remaining as to my nerd cred, I played trombone in the high school marching band. I never took my trombone to college, though, so it sat unused in my parents' basement for 10 years. In January, I happened to be passing through with space in my trunk and so brought the instrument home where it now sits unused in my house. I pull it out every few months and play some of the songs from a book of John Williams music my wife got me. My son has lately been asking if he can play it. To him, it's just one of daddy's toys and aren't we always telling him to share?

Last night, I let him try it, thinking he would be disappointed when he couldn't make it work.

When he found something to hold it up for him, things got easier.

Yes, a trombone does sound like a fart. No, I haven't grown out of laughing at it either.

80's Movies Weekend

2010-06-27T14:27:00.003-07:00

My wife went to girls camp a couple weeks back, leaving me home alone with the kids for 4 days. It wasn't so bad really. People from church watched the kids during the day while I was at work and I had enough time saved up that I didn't even have to go to work on Friday. Evenings were the only really boring part.

My wife and I have always spent our evenings together: watching television or a movie, reading a book, playing games, going over the budget (*cringe* I hate those nights, they're so boring!), or whatever else suited our fancy. It wasn't until recently that I realized that not all couples do this. Some spend their evenings separately, choosing their own diversions. Having not had this practice, it was actually kind of difficult to find something to do with myself in the evenings. I didn't want to watch one of the movies we'd checked out from the library because I knew my wife would want to see it too and we'd watch it together when she got home. Ditto with our television shows. Games are pretty boring by myself and there was no way I was doing the budget unless I had to.

So I did the dishes. And cleaned the kitchen. And tackled my running list of odd jobs around the house that it takes me a while to get to because they rank just higher than doing the budget. By Thursday night, though, I was bored. Since I wasn't going to work on Friday, it was the beginning of my weekend too, so I felt like I needed something special. I took the kids to the library on the way home from the sitter's house and I perused the DVD racks for a movie that my wife wouldn't mind missing. I struck gold. I found The Last Starfighter and The Karate Kid.

I remember seeing and enjoying both when I was younger but I didn't remember much about either besides the crane kick at the end of karate kid. Both were fun, but The Last Starfighter was definitely the better of the two for me; the acting was much better, which is really saying something for an 80's sci-fi flick. That isn't to say that it was a cinematic masterpiece. The computer graphics were groundbreaking at the time but, as with so many special effects decades later, now they just look laughable. The martial arts in The Karate Kid probably looked impressive when I was 8 but last weekend I couldn't help thinking that Jet Li could have destroyed everybody in that movie. At the same time. Twice. Plus that kid seriously bugged me. I just wanted to smack him a lot of the time.

What was also a lot of fun was watching the Making of documentaries on the discs, which were filmed much more recently and featured some of the original cast members, none of whom has had a starring role in 20 years. In retrospect, it probably wasn't hard to get them to do the documentaries for the special edition DVDs. It's not like they were busy with anything else. Speaking of people who'd gone downhill, though, when I realized that at 11:30pm on a Friday night I was watching the bonsai documentary from the special features section on The Karate Kid, I decided it was a good thing my wife was coming home the next day.

Sawdust and Gasoline

2010-06-20T00:00:00.002-07:00

A while ago, as I was parking my car at work, I noticed some workers across the road cutting down trees and shrubs with chainsaws. I caught the aroma of sawdust and gasoline which immediately reminded me of my dad. He used to smell just like that when he would come in from working outside. He spent a lot of time using his chainsaw to cut up fallen trees from the forest in our backyard for fire wood. That smell was usually the precursor to a cold hand down the back of your shirt while you were sitting on the couch watching Saturday morning cartoons. That meant it was time to go haul wood up the hill and, no, in case you were brave enough to ask, it didn't matter that Batman was tied up and the Joker was about to blow up Wayne Manor.

Because of my dad, I have an irrational desire to own a chainsaw. It doesn't matter that I have absolutely no use for one. In my mind, you just can't be a good father unless you cut stuff up and make your kids carry it. Also because of my dad, I learned how to split and chop wood, which is uber-impressive if you ever happen to be dating a farm girl.

Maybe that's why the memories evoked by sawdust and gasoline made me smile. The missed cartoons weren't important like they were when I was ten but the lessons I learned instead were. And even more so, the man that taught them to me. Thanks, Dradums.

...and dibs on the chainsaw.

Fail

2010-05-30T19:30:00.003-07:00

Safety fail:

I took this picture at the hotel we were staying at across the street from Disneyland. It reminded me of a picture I took at the Pima Air and Space Museum back in November.

Botany fail:

The Evolution of Crazy -or- How I Got a Bento Box

2010-05-15T18:00:00.002-07:00

There's something strange about waking up one day to realize that I am now one of those people I used to think was crazy. For one thing, I don't feel all that crazy. I mean, no more than usual, anyway. Secondly, if I'm crazy, what are all those sane people thinking?

I didn't become a nutcase overnight; it was a gradual process. It all began when my wife started reading things. It was mostly about keeping the kids healthy at first.

wife: "Do you know about all the hormones and antibiotics and crap they give dairy cows?"
me: "I think I read about it somewhere."
wife: "I want to start getting organic milk for the kids."
me: "Um, ok."

I figure, hey, if my wife wants to be one of those weirdos that buys that organic stuff, that's fine. It's all for the kids, anyway, and who doesn't want healthy kids?

Then she reads Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food and Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. Pollan convinced her to eat whole foods, which is essentially a doctrine that teaches you to use basic ingredients in your food like flour, butter, cream, onions, salt, and garlic instead of a can of cream-of-something soup. That, at least, was a concept I could get behind. That has long been my own philosophy of cooking and had nothing to do with healthy and everything to do with tasty. Kingsolver taught my wife that there are benefits to getting your food locally: fresher products, more intimate knowledge of what you're eating and who's raising it, and an understanding of the seasons of things (I call this the, "no, strawberries don't actually grow in December in this hemisphere" principle) so you know when foods are at their tastiest and most nutritious. I was sort of ok with this one too, as long as it didn't hit my pocketbook too hard.

Around this time, our regular purchases of organic foods were starting to extend past milk for the kids and we started regularly buying labels of local brands and looking at the produce tags to see where the food was grown. We also started planning to plant fruit trees in our backyard. I just about drew the line when my wife said she wanted to get all of our trees from some organic nursery. I can deal with a lot, but in my mind, fruit trees are expensive and I had no intention of paying ten times more for my trees just because some hippies started a nursery and started labeling their stuff 'organic.' My wife was pretty set on it, though, so we visited the nursery and actually got a really good deal on our trees. This was the first step down the slippery slope towards the organification of my backyard.

By this point, even I at times would purchase organic products from the grocery store. I would also check food labels for red flags like high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated vegetable oils. I started forwarding my wife articles I would come across, like The Top Ten Foods to Buy Organic. Then my wife tells me that she wants to go to an essential oils class. I didn't have a clue what an essential oil was and I wasn't sure I was ready for any more insanity in our family. However, you don't get through 6 years of marriage without learning how to hold your tongue. Enter essential oils into my life, which I am sad to report, actually work.

What's next, you ask? Plastic. You are most likely aware that somewhere on each plastic product is a little triangle with a number in it. That number tells you what kind of plastic the product is made of. You may also have heard of the recent reports about BPA, an ingredient in polycarbonate and it's links to health issues. It turns out that polycarbonate (which is lumped into the mixed bag number 7 category) isn't the only plastic that leaches chemicals out into the food it contains. While some plastics are safer than others (number 2, HDPE, is what milk cartons are made of and is fairly safe) the only way to protect yourself completely is to use other materials to store food. That is why our cupboards are filling up with glass storing dishes and stainless steel mixing bowls. That is also why I now have two wooden bento boxes, straight from Japan, to take my lunch in instead of Tupperware.

So that's it. I don't know where the next bit of insanity is coming from but I'm sure I will come to embrace it in turn. For now I am an essential oil using, bento box carrying, organic whole food eater and grower. But don't even look at me like you want a hug, tree, because I will freaking chop you down. I still have some principles, at least until my wife changes them again.

Signs Would Be Nice

2010-04-22T15:58:00.004-07:00

200,000 miles

2010-04-16T15:23:00.000-07:00

198,436 miles
Holy cow! Can you believe the car has almost 200,000 miles on it!? I mean, who actually gets 200,000 miles on their car!? That'll be pretty cool, hitting 200k, kinda like joining an elite club.

198,849 miles
Hmm, 200,000 miles is a pretty big deal. I should probably get the oil changed or something; it's been a while since I did that. Was that a whole year and a half ago? Wow, I should really get that done.

199,281 miles
Good call on opting for the fuel injection system cleaning with the oil change. The old girl's got a bit more spring in her step. Almost 200,000 miles and still going strong at 34mpg.

199,772 miles
I should totally write a blog post about my car hitting the 200,000 mile mark! That's super nerdy! I'll have to remember to bring the camera so I can get a pitcure of the rollover. Ooh, maybe I'll take a video... nah, that's lame.

199,915 miles
It's getting so close! Don't forget the camera, don't forget the camera, don't forget the camera!

199,991 miles
Aw crap, I forgot the camera! Maybe I can make it home before it hits 200,000.

199,997 miles
Dangit, I don't think I'm going to make it. 200,000 miles, though! How cool is that!?

199,999 miles
Woah! The last mile before the big one! Man, I love the way that looks on the odometer. Wait for it... wait for it... here it comes...!

200,000 miles
Holy crap! Did you see the way all the numbers rolled up at the same time? That was awesome! I mean, that only happens every 100,000 miles! I feel like I should do something special, like get the car a present or something. I'm all awash with the awe of this incredible milestone!

200,001 miles
Huh... that number doesn't look quite as cool. I mean it's big and all, but it just doesn't carry the same excitement.

200,004 miles
Wow, that was actually not nearly as cool as it seemed like it should have been. I'm feeling a little let down. For heaven's sake, isn't something exciting supposed to happen when your car turns 200,000?

200,056 miles
You know, this car has a lot of miles on it. Makes you feel a little insecure doesn't it? Maybe we should look at buying a new one.

Non-Routine Maintenance

2010-03-14T14:59:00.004-07:00

On Friday, I got the car titled and registered. I'd peeked at the air filter during previous trips under the hood and knew that it was disgusting, so we picked up a new one. There are seed shells and poo nuggets all over the engine compartment, so I knew that at some point a mouse had been living in there. It wasn't until I lifted up the old filter and saw the filter box looking back at me, though, that I realized the mouse had never moved out. Luckily, I know what to do with unwelcome tenants.

Barbequed Dinner

2010-03-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

As you might imagine, given my claims to nerdhood, I don't always excel at things generally described as manly. I am pretty good at Halo, I do have a fantasy baseball team, and I have recently completed car repairs using JB Weld and duct tape. However, I like Jane Austen, I'm not very good at most sports (I think the fact that I do have some natural talent for gymnastics works against me here), I have picked matching fabric combinations for my wife's sewing projects, and I know the proper use of a semi-colon. Suffice it to say that when I do something particularly manly, like dirt biking or paintball, I like to make a big deal out of it to reassure any onlookers that my Y chromosome is not only alive and kicking but hairy and sweaty too.

A few weeks ago, barbecued chicken sounded really good for dinner. Since I was going to be out over the grill anyway, I figured I might as well cook the whole dinner there. I decided to boost the testosterone level of garlic bread by toasting the bread over the coals. I made up for the olive oil and rosemary (what a pansy sounding spice) on the vegetables by wrapping them in foil and throwing them over the fire too.

Surprisingly, I didn't burn anything, although it probably would have been more manly if I had. Everything tasted really good so, unfortunately, nobody got any extra hair on his chest.

I was particularly proud of my bread. It got a nice smoked flavor from the mesquite branches I put on the fire. So so good.

So, in summary: +15 Chuck Norris points for making my whole meal over the fire. -3 points for using rosemary.

Better'n Baling Wire!

2010-03-07T07:36:00.004-07:00

I have a new car! It's a '92 Nissan NX-1600. It's got 182,000 miles on it. Until last week it didn't run and until yesterday, it had a constant 5 Amp parasitic load on the battery. But it's a sexy red color and has a stick shift. Sure, 5th gear doesn't work and it's possible that there's a mouse living in the air filter box. But it's mine...and did I mention the stick shift?

Turns out it was remarkably easy to fix. There is a super powered stereo amplifier in the trunk that appeared to be taxing the battery. Once I disconnected that and replaced the battery, the car started just fine. The parasitic current load was a little harder. I wondered if the amp had damaged the alternator as well so my friend Nick came over yesterday to help me take that out. After a run to Checkers to have it tested (it worked fine) we put it back in. In the process, we were admiring the wear on the power line from the alternator to the battery. Nick wondered aloud if that might be the source of the drain. I wrapped the wire up with electrical tape, re-attached it and voila, the drain was gone.

The previous weekend, after I'd gotten the new battery and started the car up the first time, I noticed that the idle speed was so low that the car would stall if I didn't keep revving it. I also noticed a black plastic reservoir with a charred hole in it coming off the air filter box. (This is probably a good point to mention during the tenure of the car's previous owner, there had been a fire in the engine compartment. It had something to do with forgetting to put the oil cap back on) Since I had no idea what the purpose of the black reservoir was, I didn't know if I should be concerned or not. Nick was fortunately experienced enough to know that the reservoir was important for air flow in the engine and that a big hole would cause a.) dirty air to enter the engine and b.) reduced air flow into the engine causing idling problems.

In true McGyver fashion, we fixed the hole with a combination of JB Weld, an old Tupperware container, and duct tape. Since the hole was on the corner of the reservoir, we cut out a matching piece from the Tupperware and glued it with the JB Weld. The duct tape was because we were too impatient to wait for the JB Weld to cure. Here is the finished product in all her jury rigged glory:
And now? Yep, the car runs fine. The battery charges with the engine running. The AC works better than on our Saturn. We took it for a test drive and nothing broke. I checked the battery voltage this morning and it's still ok. Now I just have to get the thing licensed and insured and we will officially be a two car family. I feel so American!

To-Do List

2009-11-16T20:55:00.005-07:00

I have a to-do list. I've had one for the past two years, so I've gotten really good at putting things off. That's worked really well until I started having a deadline. I've also figured out why they call them deadlines: your wife will kill you if you don't finish the backyard before your family comes into town for Thanksgiving. Incidentally, that is part of the reason you've been reading about George on this blog for the past month: blogging wasn't on the to-do list. Here is what was on the list last weekend.

This is supposed to be in the bottom of my oven. It's also supposed to heat up when the oven is turned on. Unfortunately, it fails on both counts.

Here is the new one. My wife and I are back on speaking terms. (Note the clean oven; she thought it was a nice touch too)

Here are three of the fruit trees now beautifying my backyard. I actually put them in three weeks ago, but pretend that I was actually that productive last weekend. See the path wending its way around the yard in the background? We'll come to that later.

I also hung this mirror up. It may not be much, but that's one more thing to cross off the list.

And now, the path. Looks pretty good so far, no? See how all the stones fit together like a jigsaw puzzle? Try doing a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces weigh 30 lbs each and you're not actually sure that they all go to the same picture. (read, it's not as easy as it looks) Props here to my wife, who is actually very good at fitting rocks together. The manly thing would have been to insist that I could do it all myself; truth is, I appreciated the help.

What happens when you run out of pieces for your puzzle? You go buy more! Thanks for letting me borrow the truck, Nick.

And finally, it is finished. Here we make a gentle turn around the orange tree.

Ok, I said the path was done. I didn't say I'd cleaned up yet.

Mouse Moves House

2009-10-10T14:07:00.004-07:00

Meet George. A few weeks ago, I left the garage door open for an extended period of time. George decided to move in and make a home among the bikes and pool toys.

As you can see, George isn't too big on cleanliness. He leaves his food scraps and poop all over the floor.

This is me, George's landlord. I got a bit tired of the mess and decided that George really needed to move out and find his own place.

So George and I went for a bike ride. I enjoyed it. Riding in a glass jar in my pocket on a leg constantly moving up and down probably made the journey less fun for George, but he was a real trooper - no poop or pee anywhere in the jar. We found a nice spot in a grove of pecan trees next to a puddle of water - everything the little guy could want and very far from my garage.

Here he is, waiting for his heart rate to go down after being let go. Look at those yummy pecans on the ground for him to eat.

Farewell, George. We wish you a long and happy life - albeit, one shortened by the terror of being trapped in a glass jar and jostled in the pocket of a bike rider.

Moral of the story: Pooping all over the place and leaving food scraps on the floor is a very bad idea, especially if you aren't going to pay rent. Wait a minute, that sounds like my kids...

When I Was a Kid, Agency Was Still Free.

2009-09-08T18:38:00.003-07:00

If you get that, you're a church nerd.

And for your viewing pleasure, I give you - the child of an engineer.

Cheers for Chopsticks!

2009-09-04T14:02:00.002-07:00

I made stir-fried noodles on Sunday. I wanted to eat mine with chopsticks. Of course, once I had chopsticks, poofus wanted them too, followed closely by chubs. I figured, what the heck, they'll have to learn someday.

After a quick orientation on the proper method of holding chopsticks, it was apparent that at least one of my children isn't mature enough for this.

Hey! That's cheating!

Well, I suppose it is a bit difficult to get them both in the same hand.

No, bud. They don't work for water.

Hey! Now we're getting somewhere!

Touchdown!

Whoops!

Success at last!

Maybe we'll give it a bit before we move on to steak knives.

You can eat me, but I don't have to like it...

2009-08-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

Nobody ever said the meat had to be happy about being eaten.

Siopao - Sio Good!

2009-08-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine and another former missionary from the Philippines invited me to a Filipino cultural night, to take place this Friday evening. We're going to do what is done at every good Filipino party - eat lots of food and sing karaoke. All the easy Filipino dishes, like rice and Tang, were already taken, so I picked four dishes I'd never made before and asked my wife what she'd like best. Siopao won. (The other options were sinigang, tinola, and kaldereta)

Siopao (pronounced show-pow) is a steamed bun filled with shredded meat cooked in a sweet sauce. It is of Chinese origin, but much beloved by the people of the Philippines, where I was introduced to it. In the Philippines, it is often sold out of hamburger carts parked on busy streets in the center of town. There is an urban myth in the Philippines that siopao is made with cat meat. I can tell you that that is categorically false based on my own experience trying to shred a cat - it ran at the first sight of the fork. Instead, siopao cooks usually resign themselves to chicken or pork.

The most complicated part about cooking siopao is getting your hands on a steamer. If you've got one, or can jury rig one, the rest is really quite easy. I used this recipe from Spice Of Life. The meat filling is fairly simple. Once the meat is shredded, just throw in onions, garlic, hoisin sauce, oyster sauce, Yoshida's sauce, rice vinegar, soy sauce, honey, pepper, or whatever else you want in any quantities and combinations that sound good to you.

The dough is a pretty standard yeast recipe - similar to the one we use for pizza. Once it's good and kneaded and risen, you divide your dough and roll a piece into a ball...

...press it flat...

...and spoon some of the good stuff into the middle. Don't skimp - you don't want dry siopao.

Now, we wrap it up.

I used a kind of tri-fold - like so.

Then sealed it up and pinched it closed.

Tada! Siopao! All lined up on wax paper (so they don't stick to stuff).

Now for the steamer. I don't have one. I do have a deep pressure cooker pot and a metal plate with holes in it. I used a stainless steel sieve to hold the holey plate several inches above the water and presto! A steamer! Arrange the siopao like so and let 'em steam for 15 minutes.

They were way better than I remembered them. It's really hard to describe the texture of the bun - fluffy just doesn't do it justice. You gotta try one, but make sure it's fresh out of the steamer. I promise they're good. I even have witnesses.

What A Great Day For, Um, Flying!

2009-08-23T15:41:00.003-07:00

I got an RC airplane for Christmas. As of 8 days ago, it had never been flown. I took it out of the box on Christmas morning to drool over and it hadn't been removed since. It's not that I haven't wanted to fly it, it's just difficult to find time to do so. "Even so," you say, "surely you have had a spare moment in the past 8 months to fly your airplane." I will admit that that is true. The problem during those moments was not my willingness or desire, but the weather. You see, by necessity, RC airplanes are very light, in order to get off the ground. This makes them very succeptible to wind. This means that any plans to fly my airplane must be accompanied by an "if the wind isn't too bad."

Last Saturday, I'd made tentative plans to fly my plane. I checked the wind in the afternoon and it was blowing a bit, but it didn't seem too bad. Then we drove to a park that had plenty of open space to fly my plane in. The problem with open spaces is that there is nothing to block the wind. It was blowing pretty steadily when we got there and would gust more and more frequently as time wore on. I should also explain that the plane needs to be assembled on site. put together, it is much too large to fit in my car.

After 20 minutes of chasing down screw baggies and wings being blown away, I was pretty sure that this wasn't what the manufacturers had in mind when they said "Fly your plane on a calm day." But I was at the park, my plane was put together, and dangit, I wanted to fly!

I put my plane on the park's road to use as a runway. I should have stopped when the plane kept being blown off course while trying to take off, but instead I picked it up to hand launch it. Being launched into a good breeze made it very easy to get up in the air. Having gusts come made the plane very difficult to control. At least I'd read the part of the manual that said to let off the throttle when landing to protect the propeller and motor in case of unintended contact with the ground. Because after a glorious 20 seconds of poorly controlled flight, my plane was not going the right way - where in this case, the 'right' way is anywhere but down. I wasn't trying to land, and I surely wasn't intending contact with the ground, but I let off the throttle in a hurry. It was an inauspicious beginning to my career as an rc pilot, and besides a slight crease to the tail fin, my plane came away suprisingly unscathed.

When the instructions say not to fly your plane in the wind, you should probably listen. Experience is supposedly the best teacher. Sometimes, though, experience is just a jerk.

Home-Teach-A-Saurus

2009-07-26T19:42:00.001-07:00

My daughter dressed up her brother's remote controlled dinosaur. She thought it was pretty funny. I agree.

Take Me Out To The Ballgame...!

2009-05-23T07:08:00.006-07:00

Welcome to the Tucson Toros inaugural season! For a while, Tucson has been home to the Sidewinders - a minor league affiliate of the Arizona Diamondbacks. But the Sidewinders moved to Reno, leaving Hi Corbett Field vacant. Enter the Toros. If you cared, you could read all about the storied history of the Tucson Toros on wikipedia. But you don't, so let's get back to the game.

Of course, nothing completes a game quite like a ballpark dog.

I was a bit unsure what to wear to the game. I don't have any Toros gear, but their colors are red, black, and gold, so I figured a Cardinals shirt would work. I guessed right. I didn't see a single Toros shirt in the stands. People generally wore whatever baseball apparel they had - regardless of the team. It seemed to me, though, that I saw more Cardinals shirts and hats than any other club. It made my heart proud.

I promise, the stands filled up a bit more before the game. The crowd was a whopping 3,116!

It took some doing, but he finally got his hat back from his sister.

Getting the kids to look at the camera was like pulling teeth. They kept watching Tuffy the Toro. He was their favorite part of the game. About every 5 minutes, Boofus would ask where Tuffy was. Chubbles kept us up to date on his whereabouts: "Duddy dow dere!"

Tuffy Update: I got the kids to leave their mom alone this morning by telling them that I had Tuffy on the computer. This post was actually delayed an hour because I kept getting interrupted. "See Duddy!!!!!"

And after all that fun, there was a baseball game too! The Toros took on the Outlaws of Chico, California. The Toros starting pitcher struggled early, giving up 5 runs in the first three innings. Relief arrived in the fourth inning and the Outlaws were shut out for the rest of the game. The Outlaws' starter took a no-hitter into the sixth inning, but the Toros scattered four runs over the last four innings, including a run in the ninth, to get the crowd pumped...before the game ended with a double play. Ah well.

It was Fireworks Friday, so we enjoyed some of those after the game.

Then they let the kids run the bases after the fireworks. Here's Boofus rounding third. She's looking, and I think she's gonna make a break for home.

We really did have a blast and I , at least, am looking forward to the next time we can make it to a game. Come on down to Tucson this summer, and you can come with.

I love Jets

2009-05-08T10:57:00.002-07:00

Picture from http://farm1.static.flickr.com/40/100127291_dffd8dd77f.jpg?v=0

Among the many things I wanted to be when I grew up, (astronaut, garbage man - I mean sanitation engineer, army sniper...) I wanted to fly fighter jets. Jets are just so cool!

Picture from http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3301/3343217161_bf0f2b2973.jpg?v=0

I didn't become a fighter pilot, (or an astronaut, or a sniper) I'm an electrical engineer. I design electronics that go into missiles. On a scale of separation, that's actually a lot closer to fighter jets than most people... but I still sit in a cubical.

Picture from http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3131/2466139778_0f980bdd1d.jpg?v=0

When I came down to interview with the company I work for, they put all of us hopefuls on a bus to tour the plantsite - which happens to be right next to the airport that is home to the state air national guard. On our way, four F-16s in succession flew over us to land. It was the coolest thing I saw during the whole trip.

Picture from http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2284/2987490703_84a35543e4.jpg?v=0

I see similar sights a couple of times a week. The building I work in faces the runway at about a 30 degree angle so I can see the jets if they are taking off or landing as I arrive or leave. I never get tired of it.

Picture from http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2078/2496587496_0de872625b.jpg?v=0 This picture is actually taken at my airport. I work in the building in the background.

Last night I had to work late. When I came out of my building, a flight of four F-16s was taking off... at night... with afterburners.

Picture from http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3010/3257050478_2b44b31e4a.jpg

Picture from http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2059/2048963560_f4ae2b58f1.jpg?v=0

I still want to be a fighter pilot when I grow up.

Many thanks to the photographers who took these pictures and posted them on flickr.

Some Stately Humor

2009-05-05T10:43:00.004-07:00

I've had this picture rattling around in my head for a while. I've giggled at it myself a few times and finally got it down on paper so I could share it.

What Doesn't Taste Good Grilled?

2009-04-18T18:18:00.006-07:00

Tonight we were having grilled hot dogs for dinner.

My wife was making a broccoli salad to go with it, so we fried up some bacon for the salad (any salad with bacon in it is a good idea in my book).

As I was standing there, thinking about hot dogs and bacon, an idea struck me...

...what if bacon + hot dog...?

Yes, I did - with the help of some toothpicks.

Look at it there, the king of the grill. The other hot dogs are ashamed to be so naked in its presence.

What's that? You don't think a normal bun will lend it the air of distinction it deserves?

Hmm, you could be on to something. It's a good thing I have this butter and this grill...

Now, there's nothing shameful about that bun, is there?

Add some barbeque sauce (Sweet Baby Ray's, if you please) and mustard to the top and I think that'll do it

Yeah, that'll make em jealous for sure.

Eat your heart out, kid.

The Bakery Strikes Back

2009-04-17T16:14:00.003-07:00

I haven't really been holding out on you. I really haven't done anything very interesting or nerdy. I have spent a lot of time working in my backyard, but it's all been pulling weeds and digging holes - not very photogenic. But I did make this loaf of bread.

I used the recipe in the comments of my last post and I didn't let it rise too much. I baked it at 350F for 30 minutes and, I flatter myself, it turned out awesome! It's nice and soft and slices very easily. I ended up slicing the whole thing and storing it in an old bread bag. It tastes good too. I win.

The Enlightened Baker

2009-03-29T21:16:00.004-07:00

I have recently been fascinated by bread. While cooking is something I enjoy and happen to feel pretty confident in, I consider it to be merely mixing up flavors and developing textures. Baking, on the other hand, is a whole different branch of chemistry. The different ingredients react together, and unless you understand what is going on, it's usually best to follow the recipe so you don't screw something up. After spending hours in the kitchen, it really is a shame to have an inedible lump to show for your work.

I have a wonderful cookbook, "The Joy of Cooking," that is full of cool recipes. What I like best about this book, though, is that at the beginning of each section, the author explains the theory behind whatever kind of food he is discussing. For example, in the section about pies, he explains that a flaky crust is formed when the gluten forms bonds in the dough and is rolled out, The layers of gluten are separated by the fat in the dough (butter, shortening, lard, etc). Thus, it is important not to overwork your pie crust, or the gluten will form throughout and you will have stiff crust. Cool, huh? You'd be surprised how much theory there actually is in the recipes you use. What I like to know is which parts of the recipe are the important ones and which ones I can play around with.

Back to bread: Let me preface this by saying that I do not drive a Prius. No offense intended to those who do, but I don't want you to think that I have any agenda in what I'm about to tell you. I don't like for there to be things in my food that I don't understand. I don't really like for there to be anything but, well, food, in my food. If you look in my grocery cart, you are going to find mostly basic whole foods like milk, cheese, vegetables, rice, fruit, and root beer - you know, things that don't have a list of ingredients because they are the ingredient. I don't want you to feel like I'm missing out on good stuff, I just make my own good stuff. And if I can't, I'll just buy it, because I'm not trying to be healthy, per se, I just think food tastes better that way.

My wife, on the other hand, is trying to be healthy, so she takes this stuff a bit more seriously than I do. Thus, she wants to be able to make her own bread. She starts with wheat. We recently got a wheat grinder so that we could make flour. The problem is that most bread recipes don't work very well with whole wheat flour. The bread comes out all dense and crumbly. In discussing this problem (yes, all our conversations are this interesting) I remarked that a whole wheat roll recipe we have turns out marvelously soft and fluffy rolls. I wondered what the difference was between the bread recipes and the roll recipe. I considered making an excel spreadsheet listing all of the ingredients of the many different recipes, normalizing around something like flour content so that I could make direct comparisons (You were wondering when I was going to do something nerdy, weren't you?). It turned out to be much easier than that. Instead of figuring out what was wrong with all of the other recipes, my wife suggested that we just use the recipe that we know works - and make bread loaves instead of rolls.

It worked, too well. The dough didn't rise - it exploded! I went outside for two seconds and my bread got a big head.

No, it isn't supposed to get that big. If it does, it usually means that there is a big air pocket in the middle of your loaf and the top can fall off when you try to tip the thing out of your pan, like this:

Topless bread is slightly less useful than it's topful counterpart. The good news? Another loaf made it out of the pan with its head intact and the bread itself is wonderfully soft and light. Yay for beating the system! Yay for whole wheat bread! Yay for slathering the previously healthy bread with artery clogging butter!

Pi Day, Schmi Day

2009-03-14T20:03:00.006-07:00

I feel so un-nerdful. I didn't do anything special for Pi Day. I didn't make a pie. I didn't recite pi to the 314th decimal place. I didn't even do anything irrational. I thought about celebrating, but making a pie is just so much work, and I had other not-so-nerdy things to do, like weed the rocks in the front yard so the HOA stops sending me nasty letters. In fact, at 1:59:26 this afternoon, I couldn't have cared less what the radius or circumference of the weeds were - I just wanted them out of my gravel.

I did, however, make this hamburger.

It is round. I put pickles on it. They are roundish. There are 3 slices of tomato on this burger. Can we round that to 3.14? I think we can. The tomato slices are also round. The bun? You betcha - round. The potato chips? Uh, huh. My belly afterward? Most assuredly.

Pi Day, consider yourself observed.

The Calculus of Food

2009-03-08T19:08:00.006-07:00

I like to cook. It is my retreat from life. I shrink back and center my thoughts in my taste buds. It simplifies things and it makes me happy. It may not come as a surprise, though, when I tell you that I approach cooking a little differently than most people.

Let me explain.

When most people cook, they fix in their minds something that they have cooked or eaten before and have decided that they would like to make again. To do that, they will turn to a recipe - a step by step instruction list for re-creating a particular dish. I find this rather restrictive. That would mean that I am limited to things for which I have the instructions. What if I don't have the instructions for what I want to make? What if I've never actually had what I want to make? When I cook, I rarely have an already experienced end result in mind. Instead, I have an idea of the flavors and textures I would like in my dinner and I put ingredients together to create that.

This means that there aren't really neat labels for the foods I make. When I was growing up, we liked to eat spaghetti. When somebody requested spaghetti, everybody knew exactly what that meant - there was (and still is) only one way to make spaghetti at my family's house. When I make spaghetti now, it's not that I'm working towards any particular model of spaghetti, I've just decided that a certain blend of flavors and textures sounds good to me and the result fits under the heading of "spaghetti-like foods."

It helps that I have a very well established connection between my taste buds and my brain - or more precisely, between my taste buds and my memory. I can recall flavors very easily. I can also combine those flavors in my mind to create new and exciting possibilities. I can quite literally read a recipe and taste on my mind's tongue the final product. This can be quite helpful when I'm trying to find something that sounds good to make. It can also be a burden. Have you noticed that things you buy from the store have recipes on them? Most of those recipes don't really taste that great. How do I know? I've read and sampled them. Here's the million dollar piece of advice for the day: never make a recipe off of the mayonaise jar. Every time I accidently read a recipe for casserole off the rear of my Best Foods I gag.

Because it's Funny...

2009-03-05T10:29:00.004-07:00

Speaking of the topics at hand, I thought these shirts were oh so appropriate:

"No really, look here, it's a number 4!"

It's never too early to start teaching binary.

To assist in the Jedi training...

Sith, the new strangers with candy.

Binary Around the Net

2009-03-04T19:39:00.005-07:00

So, to show you that counting in binary is done by more than just nerds, (but mostly because my last two posts had no pictures) I bring you famous people counting in binary.

Condoleezza Rice wanted to let us all know how many book offers shes gotten in the last two months.

Joaquin Phoenix uses binary to let us all know what his chances of success as a pop musician are.

George Bush is flashing the secret service the sign to get him out of this boring convocation in 18 minutes.

Paula Abdul used to be able to count the number of judges on the panel, no wonder she's so upset about the addition.

Rod Blagojevich tells us how many faces he has.

And finally, the Hilton sisters flash their collective IQ.

Those numbers were 992, 0, 18, 3, 2, and 6.

I tried to find a picture of Tiger Woods calling "Four!" but the firewall at work is too good.

The Cure for Narcolepsy

2009-03-03T17:48:00.003-07:00

I fall asleep really easily. This comes in handy at night. My wife will occasionally mention that it took her an hour or two to fall asleep at night. This always surprises me, since I'm regularly out soon after I hit the pillow. I just don't have much problem putting my nightly affairs in order and drifting off. I like this about me.

I fall asleep really easily at other times too. I fall asleep just about every week in church - sometimes in all three meetings! I also fall asleep at the temple, while reading, and any time my mother is teaching. It's really embarrassing at work, where I've fallen asleep in meetings, reading reports and watching tests. It's not so bad if you can point to a particular reason (new baby, late test the previous day, hard partying in Vegas over the weekend, etc), but it tends to happen to me more often than I can conveniently brush off. I just fall asleep really easily. I hate this about me.

You will be happy to hear, then, that I have come up with a staying awake aid. I count!

"But don't people count sheep when they want to fall asleep?" you ask.

Yep. That's why I count fingers - in binary.

In base ten, what we're used to, each digit can have one of ten values (0-9) and corresponds to a multiple of a power of ten. The powers of ten start at zero at the far right of the number and move up as we go to the left. Or, in the elementary school language in which it was taught to us: The far right is the "ones" place (10^0), with the "tens" place (10^1) next to that, followed by the "hundreds" place (10^2), the "thousands" place (10^3) and so on. Thus, 2465 is 2000 (2*10^3) plus 400 (4*10^2) plus 60 (6*10^1) plus 5 (5*10^0).

Binary works just the same in base two. Each digit can have one of two values (0,1) and corresponds to a multiple of a power of two. Instead of "ones," "tens," "hundreds," and "thousands," though, we get the powers of two "ones" (2^0), "twos" (2^1), "fours" (2^2), and "eights" (2^3). So, 10 in binary is (1*2^1) 2 plus (0*2^0) 0, or 2, leading us to a favorite pun of nerds: "There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't."

If it sounds complicated, don't worry. Only computers and nerds use binary and they only ever talk to each other, so it will probably never come up. The key, and the point of this whole story is that the two allowable digits in binary, 0 and 1, are easily represented by retracted and extended fingers. Let's count to 10 in binary and see how that would be represented by the fingers.

0 = 00000 - a fist
1 = 00001 - thumb extended
2 = 00010 - index finger extended
3 = 00011 - index finger and thumb extended
4 = 00100 - yup, the bird
5 = 00101 - middle finger and thumb extended
6 = 00110 - middle and index fingers extended
7 = 00111 - middle and index fingers and thumb extended
8 = 01000 - ring finger extended
9 = 01001 - ring finger and thumb extended
10=01010 - ring and index fingers extended

The point is that you have to think about it, making it much harder to fall asleep. And with 10 fingers, you can't count all the way to 2047! During a particularly drowsy patch, I even tried counting in base three on my fingers (I had to improvise a third state with my finger extended perpendicularly to my hand). I got to 243 before my fingers got too tired to go on.

Anyway, feel free to give it a shot at the next meeting you have to sit through. Just keep those fingers under the table, because nobody wants to explain to his boss that he wasn't flipping him off, he was just counting in binary to stay awake through his snooze-fest of a budget review.

On Email Chains

2009-03-02T12:22:00.002-07:00

I'm often astounded by how uninformed people are on the information superhighway. It seems like they'll give an email account to just anybody these days... wait a minute....

I got a chain email today urging me to sign a petition to the FCC because somebody else had gotten together a petition with 287,000 names on it to shut down all religious broadcasting. Honestly? In engineering, we have what we call a sanity check. Sometimes, you can get so bogged down in calculations that by the time you get an answer, you've forgotten what it means in real world terms. So you do a sanity check. Does the answer you've come up with actually make sense? If you were designing a bath tub for an elephant and determined that the dimensions should be 2' x 3' x 1', then no, you did something wrong. It is likewise absurd that an agency of the US government would (officially) consider shutting down all religious broadcasting.

However, for the sake of the conspiracy theorists out there, let us don our tin foil hats and research the issue. Amazingly, the same internet that facilitates the transfer of nonsense also allows you to check on the truth of said nonsense. Snopes.com is a great source for determining the truth about urban legends and email chains. I like to go to Google.com, though, because I prefer to go straight to the source - in this case, the FCC. Here in all its glory is the official FCC denial of the supposed attempt to deny us the pleasure of televangelists.

I like to get the official word on things because I can then send the link back to the sender of the email as well as everybody on the distribution list. I find that a small amount of shame does wonders for de-cluttering my inbox.

Another thing that irritates me about chain emails is the blatant diregard for the eyesight of the recipient. Amongst all the the email addresses of the last 5000 people to forward the message on, it is next to impossible to figure out if it is Microsoft or AOL sponsoring the email beta test. I've come up with a solution for this, though. Do you know how much spammers pay for confirmed email adresses? As long as I have to be inconvenieced, I might as well be making a profit.

Train Your Jedi Young

2009-03-01T08:58:00.004-07:00

You never know when a Sith might be waiting around the corner so it's a good idea to brush up on your lightsaber dueling skills. It's also important to protect your loved ones by teaching them how to wield a lightsaber. As you can see, it is never too early to start. As long as you pretend it is only 'play,' they'll never know you are preparing them for real danger. A word to the wise, though: wait until they are a bit older before teaching them back flips.

In this training video we learn striking, blocking, evasion, and the all important control of the high ground.

Note: Dropping your lightsaber is not a good way to control the high ground. Also, while it is appropriate in practice to return a blade to a fallen foe, never give a Sith his lightsaber back - it is a good way to get your head chopped off.

Adventures in Lunch-Making

2009-02-01T16:24:00.007-07:00

I happen to be very detail oriented at times. Not about everything, but certain things have to be done in a certain way. For example, there is an accepted orientation of my wallet in my pocket. If my wallet is rotated or flipped, it just doesn't feel right.

When I was going to school, my wife refused to touch my backpack. The binders and books each had their own correct places and orientations, the pens and pencils and calculator too. I had earphones, a bottle of lotion, a water bottle, snacks, stapler, and an eraser - and every one needed to be in its proper spot. My wife would ask to borrow something and I would tell her the exact spot she could find it. She would never try to put it back, though, because she'd been offended too many times by me taking it back out and putting it in the right place or facing the right direction.

Lunch is sometimes also difficult. Some foods can just be thrown in Tupperware and re-heated at your leisure. Other foods are a bit more difficult - meals that are designed to be assembled at the time of eating. Take fajitas for example. If you made a fajita the night before and put it in Tupperware, the tortilla would get all soggy. Cheese gets a bit gross when it stays wet for a while and you also want to make sure that things like sour cream don't get put in the microwave. This usually means that you would need to take several containers to segregate each component. Unfortunately, my computer bag is organized too, and there is only so much space allotted for lunch dishes. So how do I take fajitas for lunch? Like this:

Yes, there are indeed separate little packs for sour cream, guacamole, and tomatoes - gotta keep that cheese dry.

Another challenge is cupcakes. It is such a waste of frosting for it all to come off on the baggie. And a Tupperware large enough to not get frosting on it too wouldn't fit in my computer bag. What's a nerd to do? You can't just leave that cupcake home - not with kids around. This is the answer:

Yes, those are toothpicks sticking out of the top of the cupcake to keep the bag away. Aside from looking like pinhead from the Hellraiser movies, this worked really well. What I was particularly impressed by, though, was that when I started putting toothpicks in my cupcake my wife didn't roll her eyes or ask me what I was doing.

She said, "I wondered if you would think of toothpicks."

I've never been more proud.

The Magnet is Mightier than the DVD Case

2009-01-24T08:43:00.004-07:00

First, a disclaimer: I did not in this post do anything illegal or even un-ethical. If you plan on using the information contained in this post to do anything illegal or un-ethical, shame on you - I hope you get caught. "Pirates, ye be warned."

I love the library. I like to read and I like to do it for free. I also like to watch movies. When I was a kid, the library had a video section, but it was full of old black and white movies that didn't appeal to people under the age of 40. (though they did have some Marx Brothers movies that entertained on occasion...) Nowadays, libraries stock up on the movies that people actually want to watch - a revolutionary idea, to be sure - and I delight in checking them out. But getting good movies from the library is an art unto itself. If you just waltz in and browse the shelves, you still aren't going to get anything better than "The Ten Commandments." The trick is to use the library's website to reserve the movies.

Every couple of months or so I will go onto some movie rental website like Redbox or DVDPlay and browse their latest movies. I will make a list of all of the movies that I want to see, then go to the library's web page and reserve them all. Sure, there are some long waits for the good movies. The key is to reserve movies regularly, so that you get a steady stream of them coming in - even if you have to wait a few months for some. Apart from being free, the library has some key benefits over video rental kiosks. For one thing, the library here lets you keep movies for three weeks. For another thing, if you do happen to be in the mood for some Charlton Heston - the library's got you covered. My geek lesson for today involves another classic, though not as old as Heston: Disney's "The Three Musketeers." ("Come, D'Artagnan! We're saving the king!")

Many libraries (and every video rental store) use Clear-Vu locking DVD cases to prevent the theft of their DVDs. These cases are characterized by the yellow locking bar that promises to damage the DVD if the case is forced open. My library uses these cases, but the locking bars have all been removed so that patrons can use the self-checkout kiosks instead of waiting in line for a librarian to unlock our movies. For some reason, the locking bar in my copy of "The Three Musketeers" had been left in - a fact I discovered last night when I went to watch the movie. Well, no little yellow bar was going to keep me from some swashbuckling action, so I googled my problem. I came across this tutorial. Apparently the technology works by using the tabs (see picture below) to lock the bar in place. The tabs have to be pulled to the center of the bar in order for it to slide free.

The tabs have a metal core. The 'magical' un-lockers are actually just magnets that pull the tabs in from the opposite side of the bar so that it can be slid out. Now, not just any magnet will do. The magnets have to be pretty strong. You could build a pretty honkin' electro magnet if you had an iron core and lots of wire, or you could take apart a spare hard drive and use the head seeker motor magnets, or if your dad is a nerd too and he happened to have given you some super-strong neodymium magnets, you could use those too. (thanks, dad!)

The rest is just proper positioning of the magnets so that they pull the pins in and presto! Now you can watch your legitimately acquired DVD and you can feel like you beat the system without having actually done anything wrong.

PS You'd think that accomplishing the above mentioned rare feat would get you some serious kudos from your wife. Maybe if I hadn't tried to explain it, she would have been more impressed...

Derby Doughnuts

2008-10-19T20:05:00.003-07:00

My kids were playing with their toy cars this morning, so I got mine out too. My derby car has always been good at left turns but when one of the propellers flew off, it became downright gifted at them.

Get Yer Derby On!

2008-09-28T11:22:00.014-07:00

My Elders Quorum had a pinewood derby race Friday night - modified class only. About half of the men are engineers, so there was a little excitement about what might be produced - sadly, no rail-guns. The "no fire" rule kind-of killed the rocket motor crowd, but there were still plenty of clever designs. I went with a propeller (two other guys did too). There were a couple CO2 cars, but they kept having problems setting off the cartridges - one wasn't centered and went spinning off the track the amusement of all. There was a rubber band propelled car, a few that were just much heavier than standard rules allow (one was cast out of metal), and one that had the works of a pull-back car attached to the back wheel.

I was a little proud of my car, 'Driving Miss Daisy,' mainly because I made my own propeller out of a plastic water bottle and a paper clip.

Here is my first test vehicle once I got the propeller mounted.

The three propeller cars made it to the top of the standings. My semi-final race was against a car called "Vote 'Yes' for Proposition 102," (pictured below) named for the Arizona 'One Man, One Woman' marriage ammendment on the November ballot. I felt a little bad when I beat it.

The championship race pitted me against a car made using an RC airplane motor and propeller. When the gate came down, my opponent hit the throttle on his remote control and smoked me. Ah well. It was a good run. My only regret is that I forgot to try to race somebody back up the track.

You got extra points if your car was really good at making left turns - mine was.

Hmm, what else you got under the dirt?

2008-09-19T07:25:00.004-07:00

Yesterday, we went to the Titan Missle Museum. There used to be 54 Titan II missile installations clustered in 3 locations in the South of the US. 18 of them were centered around Tucson, AZ. At the end of their operational life, 53 of the silos had their blast doors blown open, their missiles removed and de-activated, and were backfilled with tons and tons of dirt to make them completely un-usable. One was converted into a museum. Its top blast door was locked in the half open position (the missile can only fire if the door is completely open) the nuclear tipped Titan II missile was removed and a disabled training missile was laid on its side next to the silo. This was to give the Soviet satellites clear evidence that the installation was inoperable. Then the missile was placed in the seven story launch tube and tours began.

It's hard to get a good picture to demonstrate the size of these beasts (they are in an underground silo, by the way) so we'll let this amazed face convey the awe you should be feeling. In case you were wondering, the missile is 102 ft tall and 10 ft in diameter. That warhead on the top (not a real one, of course)? 9 megatons. Yup, that's the equivalent of 9 million tons of TNT. Thats almost 500 times more powerful than the bombs used to end WWII.

This face is a bit more of what I was feeling looking around this place. Awesome!

By the way. If you wanted to buy your own Titan I missile complex (much larger than the Titan II) there is one available.

Lightning is AWESOME!

2008-08-08T07:48:00.002-07:00

This is the coolest lightning video I've ever seen. I could watch the first 5 seconds over and over and over and over and over... and over again.

You get extra points if you know why the main bolt strikes from the ground up.

Revenge of the Car!

2008-08-03T10:15:00.003-07:00

I'm sure Ryan was biting his nails for our entire trip to Indiana with the check engine light on (see previous post and comment). Not to worry, we made it just fine. I even forgot to bring our spare jug of oil, so the engine was making some great rattling noises for the last state or two. But, because my car loves me (I get along great with inanimate objects - like cars, calculators, and Rubik's cubes) it toughed it out and took us to my in-laws.

Once there, it finally got some tender loving care. My brother in law popped the hood and showed me some things - like what a valve cover is and where my fuses are. We decided to change the valve cover gasket in case that's where the oil leak was coming from. We looked at the muffler bracket and sure enough, it was broken off with no good way of fixing it without a welder. We also checked my brakes - which some guy told me a year ago had only a month left in them - and decided that we might as well replace those too. A trip to Autozone got my check engine light read. Apparently, my engine was occasionally misfiring, so we decided to change the spark plugs too.

We headed on down to NAPA and used my father-in-law's fireman discount to get crazy discounts on all my stuff. Then we put the car back together. The new muffler bracket didn't fit, so we jimmy-rigged a wire sling to hold it up, but all the rest went together like a champ. Tada! my car's all fixed! The gas mileage is slightly improved, probably because the engine is no longer misfiring, and I don't have that annoying check engine light on any more.

So why did I name this post "Revenge of the Car?" Because I wanted to give Ryan some sense of satisfaction that my inattention to my car's needs led my downfall - before I dash all his hopes in the justice of the world and tell him that everything turned out alright due to sheer luck. OK, I guess the car still leaks oil - happy, Ryan?

2008-06-29T08:50:00.003-07:00

It is a bit embarrassing for an electrical engineer to admit, but until recently, I didn't know how to jump start a car. Maybe I should correct that, I wasn't entirely sure how to jump start a car. I understand the basic theory, of course, but I didn't have nearly enough practice to make me comfortable, and this commercial scared me:

Anyway, a friend asked me to give him a jump a month or so ago, and I realized that the way I would have done it was completely right. Furthermore, my little Saturn didn't have enough power to blow up his minivan, so I felt much better about the whole thing.

On my way home from that same trip, I noticed that something about my exhaust system didn't sound quite right. Driving over 20 miles of dirt roads had apparently broken the hanger on my muffler, so it makes a throatier growl than previously.

My car has long had a slow oil leak. I'd noticed for a while that my car made a rattling sound to let me know when the oil needed to be changed. I'd never thought too much about why that was until I went to a new garage to have my oil changed. The mechanic told me that I should have my gaskets and seals replaced because he'd only drained half a quart of oil from my car. Half a quart!? Isn't that kind of a big deal? Doesn't my car need 5 quarts? Of course, being a cheapskate, instead of getting my gaskets and seals replaced I just add oil to my engine occasionally. This has the added benefit of keeping my oil fairly clean and increasing the time between oil changes - or so I tell myself.

We recently drove to St. Louis and back for my sister's wedding. About an hour from home on our way back, the check engine light came on. A few miles after that, the check oil light came on. Since the car was rattling, the second occurrence didn't surprise me, but I was still happy when we got all the way home without smoke pouring out of the engine.

I'm afraid I just don't understand cars very much, so I don't know what they need apart from gas and oil. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, which is why car mechanics feel so comfortable recommending everything under the sun to fix my car. (In four successive oil change visits I have had four different critical services recommended to me - I declined them all) I don't doubt that my car does have needs, but since I don't trust the guy who's trying to drum up more business than the oil change, I just wait for my car to tell me. So far it's been pretty uncommunicative aside for the cryptic "check engine" light. (I've checked the engine; it's still there. What's the problem?)

We are driving to Indiana next week and my brother in law, who is a self proclaimed genius when it comes to cars, is going to go over it with me and hopefully teach me a thing or two because I refuse to be afraid of my car anymore. Cars are mostly electronic these days anyway, right? That should be right up my alley. As long as my car doesn't die along the way, we should be in good shape...

Bling Out the Play Set

2008-05-10T08:40:00.006-07:00

What does a nerd do when he's not writing a blog? I'll tell you what. Drumroll please...

Tada! I made it! All by myself!

Ok, my friend Phil helped too, and my daughter lent a hand every now and again (though, I don't know if I'd call that helping). And, if you want to get technical, all the wood was pre-cut and drilled and delivered to my house... but it was still a LOT of work. In total it took 3 Saturdays, 3 weeknights, and I got 3 sunburns - you'd think I would have learned after the first one - but now I have a fabulous play set, cheap babysitting, and a super sexy farmer tan, yeehaw!

I was talking on the phone to my mom last week and I told her that I was going to put string and cans up between the play set and the house so that we could tell the kids to come in for dinner and things (because yelling out the back door is way too hard). She told me that string phones don't actually work. For her and all the other doubters out there, check this out. HowStuffWorks.com never lies!

This did get me thinking, though. Maybe I do need to be a little more high tech - this is the 21st century after all. I could easily put a microphone and speaker out in the tower and run wires back to the house. Even cooler, I could do it wirelessly. While I'm at it, why don't I set up the play set as a node in my home wireless network. Along with the IP intercom, I could put a temperature monitor on the slide (yes, it does get hot enough to burn little bums), strain guages on the support beams, and a swing speed monitor to slow down enthusiastic swingers.

Hmm, maybe that's too high tech. Perhaps I should just start with a flagpole and a jolly roger and work from there. After all, my kids can't seem to figure out how to work the accesories they already have.

Check out these other super cool play sets and tell me what you think I should do to bling out mine - yes, I have considered a paintball turret.

http://www.cedarworks.com/refer.php?src=GL&qw=playsets&gclid=CK7W28-WmpICFRTNiQodIDKppQ

http://www.danielswoodland.com/

http://www.rainbowplay.com/index.php/swing-sets/package/metropolis/

Hey! No Hoggin' the Hero!

2008-04-13T16:19:00.002-07:00

I was at Toys R Us yesterday. Um..., I was... shopping for my kids... yeah, shopping for my kids.

After a perusal of the newest lego sets and Star Wars toys (PS: Star Wars + Legos = the coolest toys ever!) I meandered over to the electronics section to see the latest in tot entertainment. Passing the iPod covers my ears were greeted by the unmistakable strains of "Hit me with your best shot" being butchered by somebody with no Guitar Hero skills. I hurried over to see that there was a whole setup for the game being played by a woman with 4 kids climbing in and out of the cart.

I ambled over, trying not to be too obvious that I wanted a turn, because anybody that bad doesn't need any extra pressure. She was booed off the stage and I figured that the embarrassment of that, coupled with me standing behind her would induce a quick retreat. I was wrong. She proceded to play another song, "Even Flow," which has got to be the longest song in the entire game - made longer by the fact that, even on easy she was missing half the notes! As this song was nearing the end, my wife finally found me and was suggesting that it was time to go. I was determined to get my turn as a reward for suffering through the interminable agony of watching this woman suck it up on stage, so I turned around to find this woman lining up yet another song. I couldn't believe the gall. I wanted to say something truly rude, but figured discretion was the better part of not getting thrown out of Toys R Us (though, just between you and me, that would have made a better blog post - to my wife's eternal shame).

So the lesson for the day is, No hoggin' the Hero! If nobody else is waiting, sure go right ahead and take another turn, but if there's a line, you get one turn. If it's that important to you, get to the back of the line and wait for another turn. If it's really that important to you, buy the blasted game and play it at home! But for heaven's sake, get out of my way so I can jam!

April Fool's Day

2008-04-01T20:27:00.004-07:00

Who on earth ever thought up April Fool's Day? What genius came up with the idea of making a holiday out of practical jokes. Today we pay homage to some truly nerdy April Fool's Pranks.

Google actually has a proud history of April Fool's pranks. You may have noticed one if you did a Google search today. Visitors to the Google.com were greeted with the adventure of many lifetimes, an opportunity to apply for citizenship in the Virgle community, the first permanent human colony on mars. Not to be limited to a single gag, Google also introduced Gmail Custom Time to users of Gmail. This claimed to allow users to assign any time stamp they wanted to emails. In previous years, Google has featured MentalPlex, the Google Copernicus Center, and more. In fact, Google has chosen April Fool's Day for some of its real launches, such as Gmail and a Gmail storage increase.

In 1989, a glowing flying saucer floated landed in a field in Surrey, England, prompting terrified calls by motorists to the police. When the police came to investigate with their billy clubs at the ready, a door opened at the bottom and a small silver figure came out. The police ran in the other direction. The alien was actually a midget, and the UFO was a hot air balloon specially built by Richard Branson (a collaborator in today's Virgle gag) who was dressed as ET for the occasion.

In 1998, MIT students hacked the school's web page and replaced it with one announcing the sale of MIT to Disney. The page was adorned with a picture of the great dome at MIT with Mickey ears.

On April Fool's Day in 1962, the "technical expert" at Sweeden's Sveriges Television showed viewers, after a lengthy instruction on the prismatic nature of light, how to instantly turn their black and white televisions into color sets by covering the screen with nylon stockings.

Hopefully you had fun with April Fool's Day too. Please, share.

Fog Machines Promote Health

2008-03-28T07:54:00.004-07:00

My kids were sick this week. Yes, it was terrible. Yes, they were miserable. Yes, it was pathetic. No, I didn't sleep. But guess what I did get to do?

I bought a new humidifier!

Now wipe that "that the lamest thing I've ever heard" look off your face and let me tell you about my new ultrasonic humidifier.

First of all, it doesn't release steam, the way many other humidifiers do, because it doesn't heat the water to the boiling point.

An ultrasonic humidifer uses a piezo-electric transducer (for the nerd-jargonly-challenged, thats a speaker) to create high frequency mechanical oscillations in the water. When the transducer moves away from the water, the water tries to follow but can't move fast enough. This creates a momentary vacuum creating vapor. When the transducer moves forward into the water, it creates high pressure compression waves on the surface, realesing water vapor. The result is a fine cool mist that quickly evaporates, raising the humidity of a room.

As if the mechanics of the thing weren't cool enough, it's a fog machine! I once saw somebody use the fog from one of these to make a tornado generator (think fans positioned to swirl the mist - yeah, pretty awesome).

So there you go. Even when your kids are laying around as if the black plague has returned, you can still amuse yourself with a new humidifier.

Pi Day

2008-03-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

Oh Pi Day. That wonderful day of the year that feels like an inside joke of the nerd population. I think it's hilarious to wish people a happy Pi Day and have them reply,

"Happy what!?"

I told my wife it was Pi Day and she asked if it was a day we were all supposed to eat pie. I gave her my best "I can't believe you don't know what I'm talking about" face and said,

"No, Pi Day. March 14th, Pi Day"

"Oh," she said, "3, 1, 4"

I can't believe that my nerdiness has failed to rub off.

For those who have any doubt about nerdliness being genetic, let me tell you about what my family did on Pi Day. My father texted "Happy Pi Day" to his children. My brother texted back to tell my father how he was celebrating the occasion. My sister sent a picture of the pie she had made. Another sister also replied, telling about her own pie. We're nerds, it's in our blood (and the left hemisphere of our brains)

How did you celebrate Pi Day?

Nerd for President

2008-03-08T07:28:00.002-07:00

The media hype surrounding this presidential election is incredible. It has spawned all kinds of hillarity such as Stephen Colbert jumping on the ballot in South Carolina, political games, and private citizens stating their own platforms. I won't go so far as to say that pantsuits have become a fashion statement, but the election is the main source of news in this country.

It occured to me that what this country really needs is a nerd as president. I don't feel like nerdy needs are properly being addressed by the establishment. Ronald Reagan, with his "Star Wars" program was the last president/candidate to appeal to nerds (unless you count Al Gore inventing the internet, which we don't). What we need is a president who will take us to the future. You may wonder why we don't have flying cars, public space travel, or a bid to enter the united federation of planets. We would if a nerd had been running things. So what else would change with a nerd for president?

The Secret Service would carry lightsabers.
Why is the alternative fuel program mucking around with ethanol? We should be looking for dilithium crystals!
In the interests of saving tax dollars, Congress would be outsourced to India and China.
Tax credits would be available for anyone able to solve differential equations on their form 1040.
Klingons would finally be allowed to join the UN.
All defense programs with the word "LASER" in the title would be automatically funded.
Amnesty would be given to all illegal aliens who can prove they came from a different planet.
Our new helicopters really would transform into killer robots.

I suppose the real qestion is, who do we get to run? Steve Jobs could do it, especially if we started a rumor that everyone who voted for him would get an iPod. Bill Gates wouldn't even need to raise money. I bet we could even get Al Gore to take up our cause if we could convince him that it would make a cooler movie. What do you think?

Nerd: A Definition and a Tribute

2008-03-03T20:34:00.003-07:00

I think 'nerd' needs a revised definition. It has too many negative connotations, though I can't understand why. Those epitomes of nerdiness, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are ridiculously rich and successful. So are the Google boys and countless other textbook nerds. So why do we still think of 'nerd' as an insult? Maybe it's because at the heart of it, a nerd is someone who doesn't fit in.

Fit in to what, though?

Are we still comparing ourselves to those jocks and cheerleaders in high school? Are we still afraid that after all these years Biff is going to give us wedgies and lock us in our lockers? A lot has happened since high school. Hopefully you've noticed that the ability to apply abstract thought and hold a meaningful conversation has gotten you more out of life than the ability to burp the ABC's in front of a packed cafeteria. Perhaps you've discovered that "your mom" jokes aren't nearly as helpful in a job interview as a good GPA and teacher recommendations.

If nerds can be so succesful, why do most definitions focus on their social ineptitude and irritating personalities? Surely there is more to a nerd than a pocket protector and glasses. I vote (and since it is my blog, mine is the only vote that counts) that we revise the definition of a nerd to eliminate the insult and pay homage to some nerds that you may not have thought of before.

Nerd (nûrd)
-noun slang

One who enjoys doing mental math while driving (or any other activity)
One who questions public wisdom and finds humor in everyday activities
One who enjoys playing with toys well into adulthood
Extreme intelligence in some areas offset by occasional lapses in judgement and inattention to detail

Perhaps my favorite nerd is Jane Austen. I realize that the worldwide testosterone council may consider revoking my membership for making such a statement, but hear me out. Anyone who equates Jane Austen with sappy love stories has either never read Jane Austen or wasn't nerdly enough to understand the books. Jane Austen was an expert in poking fun at the social customs of the day and her books are chock full of nerdy characters spinning circles of witty dialogue around their less intelligent neighbors. Pride and Prejudice has some absolute gems in the repartee between Mr. Bennet and his wife.

Matt Groening, creator of "The Simpsons" (do you need any more evidence?) has a degree in Philosophy. No wonder Bart is so smart. PS - I think Bart's a nerd too.

Al Gore invented the internet and took global warming terror to a whole new level. Hmm, I don't know if nerd is quite the right word...

Any parent is worthy of taking on the nerd title. The mere fact that you thought it would be a good idea to give life to and take care of a child is a demonstration of an extreme lapse in judgement. That fact that you didn't kill that child the first time it woke you up in the middle of the night is further evidence of your nerdy intelligence that one day that child will pay for your retirement. Hats off to all parents. Wear your nerd badge with pride.

Jodie Foster has a Literature degree from Yale. If that isn't enough, she starred in "Contact." Yeah, she's a nerd.

So come out of the shadows, nerdlings. You have great company. The only rquirement to be a nerd is to elevate yourself above the common rabble and act like one.

Man's Search for iPod

2008-02-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

I decided that I wanted to get my wife an iPod for Valentine's Day. I found out just before last Christmas that she'd like to have one, but I had already exceeded the strict limit that she places on my Christmas spending so that I won't do something ridiculous like buy her an iPod. Lucky for me, (and her) she forgot to put a limit on Valentine's Day. Knowing, as any nerd worth his salt does, that you can always find something online for less than retail, I began mid-January to search for an iPod. I quickly found that the cheapest place to get an iPod is eBay. The difficulty with eBay is that you have to read product descriptions very clearly to make sure that you are buying what you want to. On eBay, the title may say "Brand New!!! Apple iPod!!! Blue!!! Gen 3!!! 8MB!!!" What you are really buying is:

An iPod knockoff
Nothing, the seller is going to take your money and send you nothing
A real iPod, but in a cheap plastic box with knockoff accessories and without those stylish yet oh so hard to keep in your ear white earbuds.
What do you know! An actual new in the sealed box iPod

So I read the item descriptions carefully, selected my iPod with care, and... curse you eBay sniper! Repeat the process until you actually win an iPod. (This is where starting a month in advance seemed like a good idea)

The seller was listed with a Seattle zip code so I figured a week tops for shipping. After a week and a half and no iPod, I emailed the seller and asked where my iPod was. Some arm pulling ensued and he finally coughed up a tracking number. I was a little hesitant when I saw that my iPod had just cleared customs coming from China, but I reasoned, "iPods are made in China, right? Maybe he gets them for cheaper over there." When my package showed up three days later, I opened it to discover a chiPod (looks kinda like an iPod, smells vaguely like an iPod, but it isn't an iPod). There was no way I was falling for that. I emailed the seller who assured me that his supplier was to blame and that he would be more than happy to send me a real iPod. I sent his sorry excuse for Apple's finest back and again waited for my iPod. This was the week before Valentine's Day, and I started to get nervous. On February 12th, he sent me a refund and an apology - apparently, someone took offense to being sent a fake iPod (go figure) and complained via a Paypal dispute. His funds were frozen and this was all he could do.

I hopped on eBay again, because I needed an iPod fast. Putting all your Valentine's hearts in one basket is trouble if it gets replaced with a Chinese knockoff. I upped my bid to make sure I could get an iPod fast, thinking I could get it by Valentine's Day if I offered to sweeten the shipping. Valentine's Day came and went with no iPod. I thought for sure it would come soon and I could present it on Saturday, kind of a whole weekend celebration of Valentine's. On Saturday morning I got an email from eBay's loss prevention department. By Saturday night, I'd gotten another refund.

What choice was there now? Swearing off eBay for the fourth time didn't fix anything. I planned a month in advance and still came up empty handed on Valentine's Day. So I went to the apple store and paid full price. What did I get for that extra money? Well, for one thing, I actually got an iPod. I also got free shipping and engraving, real iPod accessories, and most of all, I got to celebrate Valentine's Day on February 28th and make up for missing it the first time around. Think she'll like it?

I think so too.

Of Kilometers and Light-Seconds

2008-02-23T17:22:00.006-07:00

I happen to live in a place where the mile markers and freeway signs are in kilometers. No, it's not Britain, or even Canada. I think we were the victims of a plot by the US government to further the metric extremist agenda. (See sidebar -->) I think the signs are kind of fun. I'm so used to miles and MPH that measuring things in kilometers makes me feel like I'm going faster. Did you know that 75 MPH is 120KPH!? I only wish they had converted the speed limit signs too.

"Honestly officer, I thought it said 100 miles per hour."

While I was rocketing down the freeway today at the blazing speed of 130 KPH, I got to thinking about other measurement systems that we could impose upon the unknowing masses to cause mass-hysteria. Being of a nerdly sort, I thought about light speed and parsecs.

"But," I reasoned, "parsecs are much too large to be practical in everyday applications." Do you know how big one of those bad boys is? Google it, you'll be impressed at Han Solo's Kessel Run skills. Light-years are a bit unwieldy too, but light-seconds? Perfect!

It probably isn't safe to all of the other drivers for me to divert my concentration from such a mundane thing like staying within the lines to the higher order conversion of light seconds into real money, but I quickly emerged from my intellectual coma to exclaim,

"3.3 micro light seconds!"

My startled wife asked me what the heck I was talking about, while I marveled that she could be oblivious to the obvious train of my thoughts. I explained my previous musings to her and informed her that 1 kilometer was equal to 3.3 micro light seconds. She didn't look sufficiently impressed, so I started converting other distances to light seconds for her.

I drive 215 micro light-seconds to work and back every day.
It is 8 milli light-seconds from our house to my parents. (doesn't seem far enough, does it)
It is 61 nano light-seconds from the computer to the fridge. (that's what I'm talking about!)

With this new system, nerds could brag about their cars in new and exciting ways:

"She'll do an 8 second micro light-second!"

"That's nothing. I got a new electric that'll do 0 to ten millionth of c in 4 seconds!"

The possibilities are endless! But how can we bring about this new world order? How can we force everyone to adapt to a new system? We'll need some measurement terrorists of our own. I know a guy in a Wookie costume who might help...

Ode to Starcraft

2008-02-20T20:58:00.006-07:00

I love Starcraft. You might note and question the present tense. It isn't a mistake. I look forward to my wife having places to go when I'm home, as it gives me a chance to run to the computer and get my Starcraft fix. I haven't always had Starcraft in my life - ours has been a dysfunctional relationship.

I was first introduced to Blizzard's strategy franchise by way of Warcraft 2. Many a night was spent arguing with my brother over whose turn it was to play. I would even wake up at ungodly hours (the only time my parents would allow me to use the phone line) to play over direct dial up with a friend. When Starcraft came out, we begged and pleaded, and our parents got us a whole new addiction for Christmas.

Going away to college meant leaving Starcraft behind, but it also introduced me to another drug - high speed internet. When I found out that some friends of mine had copies of Starcraft, I participated in the age-old college tradition of mooching and used my new college smarts to navigate to battle.net. My friends and I didn't party in college, we played Starcraft, to the same effect.

Years went by. I got married. I graduated. I got a job. I remembered Starcraft. My youngest brother is more an Age of Empires player and when I asked about Starcraft he said, "That game? You can have it." I nearly cried.

I am a grown man, with a wife, children, a job, and a mortgage; and I still sneak off occasionally to play Starcraft. What has it brought me, you may ask? I owe many of my life's lessons to Starcraft. Let me name a few.

It's never a good idea to talk smack in the game lobby before a match. That twelve year old kid is just going to embarrass you, and probably with just a few dragoons.
Education is worth more to you when you pay for it yourself. (I attribute the loss of my full ride scholarship to the fact that I stopped studying and doing my homework during the second semester. The reason? You guessed it.)
No matter how sophisticated and ordered your defenses, enough zerglings will bust right through them.

I thought for a while that I was surely the only person who still played the original Starcraft, but I have been gratified to find that not only are there still active Starcraft communities, but you can even still buy the game. C'mon, it's only ten bucks. You know you miss it too.

So what classics do you love? What throwbacks from the teenage years do you still indulge in? Hold your heads up high, because as pathetic as it might seem, you aren't the only nerd out there.