Bling Out the Play Set

What does a nerd do when he's not writing a blog? I'll tell you what. Drumroll please...


Tada! I made it! All by myself!

Ok, my friend Phil helped too, and my daughter lent a hand every now and again (though, I don't know if I'd call that helping). And, if you want to get technical, all the wood was pre-cut and drilled and delivered to my house... but it was still a LOT of work. In total it took 3 Saturdays, 3 weeknights, and I got 3 sunburns - you'd think I would have learned after the first one - but now I have a fabulous play set, cheap babysitting, and a super sexy farmer tan, yeehaw!

I was talking on the phone to my mom last week and I told her that I was going to put string and cans up between the play set and the house so that we could tell the kids to come in for dinner and things (because yelling out the back door is way too hard). She told me that string phones don't actually work. For her and all the other doubters out there, check this out. HowStuffWorks.com never lies!

This did get me thinking, though. Maybe I do need to be a little more high tech - this is the 21st century after all. I could easily put a microphone and speaker out in the tower and run wires back to the house. Even cooler, I could do it wirelessly. While I'm at it, why don't I set up the play set as a node in my home wireless network. Along with the IP intercom, I could put a temperature monitor on the slide (yes, it does get hot enough to burn little bums), strain guages on the support beams, and a swing speed monitor to slow down enthusiastic swingers.

Hmm, maybe that's too high tech. Perhaps I should just start with a flagpole and a jolly roger and work from there. After all, my kids can't seem to figure out how to work the accesories they already have.

PS

Check out these other super cool play sets and tell me what you think I should do to bling out mine - yes, I have considered a paintball turret.

http://www.cedarworks.com/refer.php?src=GL&qw=playsets&gclid=CK7W28-WmpICFRTNiQodIDKppQ

http://www.danielswoodland.com/

http://www.rainbowplay.com/index.php/swing-sets/package/metropolis/

Hey! No Hoggin' the Hero!

I was at Toys R Us yesterday. Um..., I was... shopping for my kids... yeah, shopping for my kids.

After a perusal of the newest lego sets and Star Wars toys (PS: Star Wars + Legos = the coolest toys ever!) I meandered over to the electronics section to see the latest in tot entertainment. Passing the iPod covers my ears were greeted by the unmistakable strains of "Hit me with your best shot" being butchered by somebody with no Guitar Hero skills. I hurried over to see that there was a whole setup for the game being played by a woman with 4 kids climbing in and out of the cart.

I ambled over, trying not to be too obvious that I wanted a turn, because anybody that bad doesn't need any extra pressure. She was booed off the stage and I figured that the embarrassment of that, coupled with me standing behind her would induce a quick retreat. I was wrong. She proceded to play another song, "Even Flow," which has got to be the longest song in the entire game - made longer by the fact that, even on easy she was missing half the notes! As this song was nearing the end, my wife finally found me and was suggesting that it was time to go. I was determined to get my turn as a reward for suffering through the interminable agony of watching this woman suck it up on stage, so I turned around to find this woman lining up yet another song. I couldn't believe the gall. I wanted to say something truly rude, but figured discretion was the better part of not getting thrown out of Toys R Us (though, just between you and me, that would have made a better blog post - to my wife's eternal shame).

So the lesson for the day is, No hoggin' the Hero! If nobody else is waiting, sure go right ahead and take another turn, but if there's a line, you get one turn. If it's that important to you, get to the back of the line and wait for another turn. If it's really that important to you, buy the blasted game and play it at home! But for heaven's sake, get out of my way so I can jam!

April Fool's Day

Who on earth ever thought up April Fool's Day? What genius came up with the idea of making a holiday out of practical jokes. Today we pay homage to some truly nerdy April Fool's Pranks.

Google actually has a proud history of April Fool's pranks. You may have noticed one if you did a Google search today. Visitors to the Google.com were greeted with the adventure of many lifetimes, an opportunity to apply for citizenship in the Virgle community, the first permanent human colony on mars. Not to be limited to a single gag, Google also introduced Gmail Custom Time to users of Gmail. This claimed to allow users to assign any time stamp they wanted to emails. In previous years, Google has featured MentalPlex, the Google Copernicus Center, and more. In fact, Google has chosen April Fool's Day for some of its real launches, such as Gmail and a Gmail storage increase.

In 1989, a glowing flying saucer floated landed in a field in Surrey, England, prompting terrified calls by motorists to the police. When the police came to investigate with their billy clubs at the ready, a door opened at the bottom and a small silver figure came out. The police ran in the other direction. The alien was actually a midget, and the UFO was a hot air balloon specially built by Richard Branson (a collaborator in today's Virgle gag) who was dressed as ET for the occasion.

In 1998, MIT students hacked the school's web page and replaced it with one announcing the sale of MIT to Disney. The page was adorned with a picture of the great dome at MIT with Mickey ears.

On April Fool's Day in 1962, the "technical expert" at Sweeden's Sveriges Television showed viewers, after a lengthy instruction on the prismatic nature of light, how to instantly turn their black and white televisions into color sets by covering the screen with nylon stockings.

Hopefully you had fun with April Fool's Day too. Please, share.

Fog Machines Promote Health

My kids were sick this week. Yes, it was terrible. Yes, they were miserable. Yes, it was pathetic. No, I didn't sleep. But guess what I did get to do?

I bought a new humidifier!

Now wipe that "that the lamest thing I've ever heard" look off your face and let me tell you about my new ultrasonic humidifier.

First of all, it doesn't release steam, the way many other humidifiers do, because it doesn't heat the water to the boiling point.

An ultrasonic humidifer uses a piezo-electric transducer (for the nerd-jargonly-challenged, thats a speaker) to create high frequency mechanical oscillations in the water. When the transducer moves away from the water, the water tries to follow but can't move fast enough. This creates a momentary vacuum creating vapor. When the transducer moves forward into the water, it creates high pressure compression waves on the surface, realesing water vapor. The result is a fine cool mist that quickly evaporates, raising the humidity of a room.

As if the mechanics of the thing weren't cool enough, it's a fog machine! I once saw somebody use the fog from one of these to make a tornado generator (think fans positioned to swirl the mist - yeah, pretty awesome).

So there you go. Even when your kids are laying around as if the black plague has returned, you can still amuse yourself with a new humidifier.

Pi Day

Oh Pi Day. That wonderful day of the year that feels like an inside joke of the nerd population. I think it's hilarious to wish people a happy Pi Day and have them reply,

"Happy what!?"

I told my wife it was Pi Day and she asked if it was a day we were all supposed to eat pie. I gave her my best "I can't believe you don't know what I'm talking about" face and said,

"No, Pi Day. March 14th, Pi Day"

"Oh," she said, "3, 1, 4"

I can't believe that my nerdiness has failed to rub off.

For those who have any doubt about nerdliness being genetic, let me tell you about what my family did on Pi Day. My father texted "Happy Pi Day" to his children. My brother texted back to tell my father how he was celebrating the occasion. My sister sent a picture of the pie she had made. Another sister also replied, telling about her own pie. We're nerds, it's in our blood (and the left hemisphere of our brains)

How did you celebrate Pi Day?

Nerd for President

The media hype surrounding this presidential election is incredible. It has spawned all kinds of hillarity such as Stephen Colbert jumping on the ballot in South Carolina, political games, and private citizens stating their own platforms. I won't go so far as to say that pantsuits have become a fashion statement, but the election is the main source of news in this country.

It occured to me that what this country really needs is a nerd as president. I don't feel like nerdy needs are properly being addressed by the establishment. Ronald Reagan, with his "Star Wars" program was the last president/candidate to appeal to nerds (unless you count Al Gore inventing the internet, which we don't). What we need is a president who will take us to the future. You may wonder why we don't have flying cars, public space travel, or a bid to enter the united federation of planets. We would if a nerd had been running things. So what else would change with a nerd for president?

• The Secret Service would carry lightsabers.
• Why is the alternative fuel program mucking around with ethanol? We should be looking for dilithium crystals!
• In the interests of saving tax dollars, Congress would be outsourced to India and China.
• Tax credits would be available for anyone able to solve differential equations on their form 1040.
• Klingons would finally be allowed to join the UN.
• All defense programs with the word "LASER" in the title would be automatically funded.
• Amnesty would be given to all illegal aliens who can prove they came from a different planet.
• Our new helicopters really would transform into killer robots.

I suppose the real qestion is, who do we get to run? Steve Jobs could do it, especially if we started a rumor that everyone who voted for him would get an iPod. Bill Gates wouldn't even need to raise money. I bet we could even get Al Gore to take up our cause if we could convince him that it would make a cooler movie. What do you think?

Nerd: A Definition and a Tribute

I think 'nerd' needs a revised definition. It has too many negative connotations, though I can't understand why. Those epitomes of nerdiness, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are ridiculously rich and successful. So are the Google boys and countless other textbook nerds. So why do we still think of 'nerd' as an insult? Maybe it's because at the heart of it, a nerd is someone who doesn't fit in.

Fit in to what, though?

Are we still comparing ourselves to those jocks and cheerleaders in high school? Are we still afraid that after all these years Biff is going to give us wedgies and lock us in our lockers? A lot has happened since high school. Hopefully you've noticed that the ability to apply abstract thought and hold a meaningful conversation has gotten you more out of life than the ability to burp the ABC's in front of a packed cafeteria. Perhaps you've discovered that "your mom" jokes aren't nearly as helpful in a job interview as a good GPA and teacher recommendations.

If nerds can be so succesful, why do most definitions focus on their social ineptitude and irritating personalities? Surely there is more to a nerd than a pocket protector and glasses. I vote (and since it is my blog, mine is the only vote that counts) that we revise the definition of a nerd to eliminate the insult and pay homage to some nerds that you may not have thought of before.

Nerd (nûrd)
-noun slang

1. One who enjoys doing mental math while driving (or any other activity)
2. One who questions public wisdom and finds humor in everyday activities
3. One who enjoys playing with toys well into adulthood
4. Extreme intelligence in some areas offset by occasional lapses in judgement and inattention to detail

Perhaps my favorite nerd is Jane Austen. I realize that the worldwide testosterone council may consider revoking my membership for making such a statement, but hear me out. Anyone who equates Jane Austen with sappy love stories has either never read Jane Austen or wasn't nerdly enough to understand the books. Jane Austen was an expert in poking fun at the social customs of the day and her books are chock full of nerdy characters spinning circles of witty dialogue around their less intelligent neighbors. Pride and Prejudice has some absolute gems in the repartee between Mr. Bennet and his wife.

Matt Groening, creator of "The Simpsons" (do you need any more evidence?) has a degree in Philosophy. No wonder Bart is so smart. PS - I think Bart's a nerd too.

Al Gore invented the internet and took global warming terror to a whole new level. Hmm, I don't know if nerd is quite the right word...

Any parent is worthy of taking on the nerd title. The mere fact that you thought it would be a good idea to give life to and take care of a child is a demonstration of an extreme lapse in judgement. That fact that you didn't kill that child the first time it woke you up in the middle of the night is further evidence of your nerdy intelligence that one day that child will pay for your retirement. Hats off to all parents. Wear your nerd badge with pride.

Jodie Foster has a Literature degree from Yale. If that isn't enough, she starred in "Contact." Yeah, she's a nerd.

So come out of the shadows, nerdlings. You have great company. The only rquirement to be a nerd is to elevate yourself above the common rabble and act like one.