It is a bit embarrassing for an electrical engineer to admit, but until recently, I didn't know how to jump start a car. Maybe I should correct that, I wasn't entirely sure how to jump start a car. I understand the basic theory, of course, but I didn't have nearly enough practice to make me comfortable, and this commercial scared me:



Anyway, a friend asked me to give him a jump a month or so ago, and I realized that the way I would have done it was completely right. Furthermore, my little Saturn didn't have enough power to blow up his minivan, so I felt much better about the whole thing.

On my way home from that same trip, I noticed that something about my exhaust system didn't sound quite right. Driving over 20 miles of dirt roads had apparently broken the hanger on my muffler, so it makes a throatier growl than previously.

My car has long had a slow oil leak. I'd noticed for a while that my car made a rattling sound to let me know when the oil needed to be changed. I'd never thought too much about why that was until I went to a new garage to have my oil changed. The mechanic told me that I should have my gaskets and seals replaced because he'd only drained half a quart of oil from my car. Half a quart!? Isn't that kind of a big deal? Doesn't my car need 5 quarts? Of course, being a cheapskate, instead of getting my gaskets and seals replaced I just add oil to my engine occasionally. This has the added benefit of keeping my oil fairly clean and increasing the time between oil changes - or so I tell myself.

We recently drove to St. Louis and back for my sister's wedding. About an hour from home on our way back, the check engine light came on. A few miles after that, the check oil light came on. Since the car was rattling, the second occurrence didn't surprise me, but I was still happy when we got all the way home without smoke pouring out of the engine.

I'm afraid I just don't understand cars very much, so I don't know what they need apart from gas and oil. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, which is why car mechanics feel so comfortable recommending everything under the sun to fix my car. (In four successive oil change visits I have had four different critical services recommended to me - I declined them all) I don't doubt that my car does have needs, but since I don't trust the guy who's trying to drum up more business than the oil change, I just wait for my car to tell me. So far it's been pretty uncommunicative aside for the cryptic "check engine" light. (I've checked the engine; it's still there. What's the problem?)

We are driving to Indiana next week and my brother in law, who is a self proclaimed genius when it comes to cars, is going to go over it with me and hopefully teach me a thing or two because I refuse to be afraid of my car anymore. Cars are mostly electronic these days anyway, right? That should be right up my alley. As long as my car doesn't die along the way, we should be in good shape...

Bling Out the Play Set

What does a nerd do when he's not writing a blog? I'll tell you what. Drumroll please...


Tada! I made it! All by myself!

Ok, my friend Phil helped too, and my daughter lent a hand every now and again (though, I don't know if I'd call that helping). And, if you want to get technical, all the wood was pre-cut and drilled and delivered to my house... but it was still a LOT of work. In total it took 3 Saturdays, 3 weeknights, and I got 3 sunburns - you'd think I would have learned after the first one - but now I have a fabulous play set, cheap babysitting, and a super sexy farmer tan, yeehaw!

I was talking on the phone to my mom last week and I told her that I was going to put string and cans up between the play set and the house so that we could tell the kids to come in for dinner and things (because yelling out the back door is way too hard). She told me that string phones don't actually work. For her and all the other doubters out there, check this out. HowStuffWorks.com never lies!

This did get me thinking, though. Maybe I do need to be a little more high tech - this is the 21st century after all. I could easily put a microphone and speaker out in the tower and run wires back to the house. Even cooler, I could do it wirelessly. While I'm at it, why don't I set up the play set as a node in my home wireless network. Along with the IP intercom, I could put a temperature monitor on the slide (yes, it does get hot enough to burn little bums), strain guages on the support beams, and a swing speed monitor to slow down enthusiastic swingers.

Hmm, maybe that's too high tech. Perhaps I should just start with a flagpole and a jolly roger and work from there. After all, my kids can't seem to figure out how to work the accesories they already have.

PS

Check out these other super cool play sets and tell me what you think I should do to bling out mine - yes, I have considered a paintball turret.

http://www.cedarworks.com/refer.php?src=GL&qw=playsets&gclid=CK7W28-WmpICFRTNiQodIDKppQ

http://www.danielswoodland.com/

http://www.rainbowplay.com/index.php/swing-sets/package/metropolis/

Hey! No Hoggin' the Hero!

I was at Toys R Us yesterday. Um..., I was... shopping for my kids... yeah, shopping for my kids.

After a perusal of the newest lego sets and Star Wars toys (PS: Star Wars + Legos = the coolest toys ever!) I meandered over to the electronics section to see the latest in tot entertainment. Passing the iPod covers my ears were greeted by the unmistakable strains of "Hit me with your best shot" being butchered by somebody with no Guitar Hero skills. I hurried over to see that there was a whole setup for the game being played by a woman with 4 kids climbing in and out of the cart.

I ambled over, trying not to be too obvious that I wanted a turn, because anybody that bad doesn't need any extra pressure. She was booed off the stage and I figured that the embarrassment of that, coupled with me standing behind her would induce a quick retreat. I was wrong. She proceded to play another song, "Even Flow," which has got to be the longest song in the entire game - made longer by the fact that, even on easy she was missing half the notes! As this song was nearing the end, my wife finally found me and was suggesting that it was time to go. I was determined to get my turn as a reward for suffering through the interminable agony of watching this woman suck it up on stage, so I turned around to find this woman lining up yet another song. I couldn't believe the gall. I wanted to say something truly rude, but figured discretion was the better part of not getting thrown out of Toys R Us (though, just between you and me, that would have made a better blog post - to my wife's eternal shame).

So the lesson for the day is, No hoggin' the Hero! If nobody else is waiting, sure go right ahead and take another turn, but if there's a line, you get one turn. If it's that important to you, get to the back of the line and wait for another turn. If it's really that important to you, buy the blasted game and play it at home! But for heaven's sake, get out of my way so I can jam!

April Fool's Day

Who on earth ever thought up April Fool's Day? What genius came up with the idea of making a holiday out of practical jokes. Today we pay homage to some truly nerdy April Fool's Pranks.

Google actually has a proud history of April Fool's pranks. You may have noticed one if you did a Google search today. Visitors to the Google.com were greeted with the adventure of many lifetimes, an opportunity to apply for citizenship in the Virgle community, the first permanent human colony on mars. Not to be limited to a single gag, Google also introduced Gmail Custom Time to users of Gmail. This claimed to allow users to assign any time stamp they wanted to emails. In previous years, Google has featured MentalPlex, the Google Copernicus Center, and more. In fact, Google has chosen April Fool's Day for some of its real launches, such as Gmail and a Gmail storage increase.

In 1989, a glowing flying saucer floated landed in a field in Surrey, England, prompting terrified calls by motorists to the police. When the police came to investigate with their billy clubs at the ready, a door opened at the bottom and a small silver figure came out. The police ran in the other direction. The alien was actually a midget, and the UFO was a hot air balloon specially built by Richard Branson (a collaborator in today's Virgle gag) who was dressed as ET for the occasion.

In 1998, MIT students hacked the school's web page and replaced it with one announcing the sale of MIT to Disney. The page was adorned with a picture of the great dome at MIT with Mickey ears.

On April Fool's Day in 1962, the "technical expert" at Sweeden's Sveriges Television showed viewers, after a lengthy instruction on the prismatic nature of light, how to instantly turn their black and white televisions into color sets by covering the screen with nylon stockings.

Hopefully you had fun with April Fool's Day too. Please, share.

Fog Machines Promote Health

My kids were sick this week. Yes, it was terrible. Yes, they were miserable. Yes, it was pathetic. No, I didn't sleep. But guess what I did get to do?

I bought a new humidifier!

Now wipe that "that the lamest thing I've ever heard" look off your face and let me tell you about my new ultrasonic humidifier.

First of all, it doesn't release steam, the way many other humidifiers do, because it doesn't heat the water to the boiling point.

An ultrasonic humidifer uses a piezo-electric transducer (for the nerd-jargonly-challenged, thats a speaker) to create high frequency mechanical oscillations in the water. When the transducer moves away from the water, the water tries to follow but can't move fast enough. This creates a momentary vacuum creating vapor. When the transducer moves forward into the water, it creates high pressure compression waves on the surface, realesing water vapor. The result is a fine cool mist that quickly evaporates, raising the humidity of a room.

As if the mechanics of the thing weren't cool enough, it's a fog machine! I once saw somebody use the fog from one of these to make a tornado generator (think fans positioned to swirl the mist - yeah, pretty awesome).

So there you go. Even when your kids are laying around as if the black plague has returned, you can still amuse yourself with a new humidifier.

Pi Day

Oh Pi Day. That wonderful day of the year that feels like an inside joke of the nerd population. I think it's hilarious to wish people a happy Pi Day and have them reply,

"Happy what!?"

I told my wife it was Pi Day and she asked if it was a day we were all supposed to eat pie. I gave her my best "I can't believe you don't know what I'm talking about" face and said,

"No, Pi Day. March 14th, Pi Day"

"Oh," she said, "3, 1, 4"

I can't believe that my nerdiness has failed to rub off.

For those who have any doubt about nerdliness being genetic, let me tell you about what my family did on Pi Day. My father texted "Happy Pi Day" to his children. My brother texted back to tell my father how he was celebrating the occasion. My sister sent a picture of the pie she had made. Another sister also replied, telling about her own pie. We're nerds, it's in our blood (and the left hemisphere of our brains)

How did you celebrate Pi Day?

Nerd for President

The media hype surrounding this presidential election is incredible. It has spawned all kinds of hillarity such as Stephen Colbert jumping on the ballot in South Carolina, political games, and private citizens stating their own platforms. I won't go so far as to say that pantsuits have become a fashion statement, but the election is the main source of news in this country.

It occured to me that what this country really needs is a nerd as president. I don't feel like nerdy needs are properly being addressed by the establishment. Ronald Reagan, with his "Star Wars" program was the last president/candidate to appeal to nerds (unless you count Al Gore inventing the internet, which we don't). What we need is a president who will take us to the future. You may wonder why we don't have flying cars, public space travel, or a bid to enter the united federation of planets. We would if a nerd had been running things. So what else would change with a nerd for president?

• The Secret Service would carry lightsabers.
• Why is the alternative fuel program mucking around with ethanol? We should be looking for dilithium crystals!
• In the interests of saving tax dollars, Congress would be outsourced to India and China.
• Tax credits would be available for anyone able to solve differential equations on their form 1040.
• Klingons would finally be allowed to join the UN.
• All defense programs with the word "LASER" in the title would be automatically funded.
• Amnesty would be given to all illegal aliens who can prove they came from a different planet.
• Our new helicopters really would transform into killer robots.

I suppose the real qestion is, who do we get to run? Steve Jobs could do it, especially if we started a rumor that everyone who voted for him would get an iPod. Bill Gates wouldn't even need to raise money. I bet we could even get Al Gore to take up our cause if we could convince him that it would make a cooler movie. What do you think?