Man's Search for iPod

I decided that I wanted to get my wife an iPod for Valentine's Day. I found out just before last Christmas that she'd like to have one, but I had already exceeded the strict limit that she places on my Christmas spending so that I won't do something ridiculous like buy her an iPod. Lucky for me, (and her) she forgot to put a limit on Valentine's Day. Knowing, as any nerd worth his salt does, that you can always find something online for less than retail, I began mid-January to search for an iPod. I quickly found that the cheapest place to get an iPod is eBay. The difficulty with eBay is that you have to read product descriptions very clearly to make sure that you are buying what you want to. On eBay, the title may say "Brand New!!! Apple iPod!!! Blue!!! Gen 3!!! 8MB!!!" What you are really buying is:

• An iPod knockoff
• Nothing, the seller is going to take your money and send you nothing
• A real iPod, but in a cheap plastic box with knockoff accessories and without those stylish yet oh so hard to keep in your ear white earbuds.
• What do you know! An actual new in the sealed box iPod

So I read the item descriptions carefully, selected my iPod with care, and... curse you eBay sniper! Repeat the process until you actually win an iPod. (This is where starting a month in advance seemed like a good idea)

The seller was listed with a Seattle zip code so I figured a week tops for shipping. After a week and a half and no iPod, I emailed the seller and asked where my iPod was. Some arm pulling ensued and he finally coughed up a tracking number. I was a little hesitant when I saw that my iPod had just cleared customs coming from China, but I reasoned, "iPods are made in China, right? Maybe he gets them for cheaper over there." When my package showed up three days later, I opened it to discover a chiPod (looks kinda like an iPod, smells vaguely like an iPod, but it isn't an iPod). There was no way I was falling for that. I emailed the seller who assured me that his supplier was to blame and that he would be more than happy to send me a real iPod. I sent his sorry excuse for Apple's finest back and again waited for my iPod. This was the week before Valentine's Day, and I started to get nervous. On February 12th, he sent me a refund and an apology - apparently, someone took offense to being sent a fake iPod (go figure) and complained via a Paypal dispute. His funds were frozen and this was all he could do.

I hopped on eBay again, because I needed an iPod fast. Putting all your Valentine's hearts in one basket is trouble if it gets replaced with a Chinese knockoff. I upped my bid to make sure I could get an iPod fast, thinking I could get it by Valentine's Day if I offered to sweeten the shipping. Valentine's Day came and went with no iPod. I thought for sure it would come soon and I could present it on Saturday, kind of a whole weekend celebration of Valentine's. On Saturday morning I got an email from eBay's loss prevention department. By Saturday night, I'd gotten another refund.

What choice was there now? Swearing off eBay for the fourth time didn't fix anything. I planned a month in advance and still came up empty handed on Valentine's Day. So I went to the apple store and paid full price. What did I get for that extra money? Well, for one thing, I actually got an iPod. I also got free shipping and engraving, real iPod accessories, and most of all, I got to celebrate Valentine's Day on February 28th and make up for missing it the first time around. Think she'll like it?

I think so too.

Of Kilometers and Light-Seconds

I happen to live in a place where the mile markers and freeway signs are in kilometers. No, it's not Britain, or even Canada. I think we were the victims of a plot by the US government to further the metric extremist agenda. (See sidebar -->) I think the signs are kind of fun. I'm so used to miles and MPH that measuring things in kilometers makes me feel like I'm going faster. Did you know that 75 MPH is 120KPH!? I only wish they had converted the speed limit signs too.

"Honestly officer, I thought it said 100 miles per hour."

While I was rocketing down the freeway today at the blazing speed of 130 KPH, I got to thinking about other measurement systems that we could impose upon the unknowing masses to cause mass-hysteria. Being of a nerdly sort, I thought about light speed and parsecs.

"But," I reasoned, "parsecs are much too large to be practical in everyday applications." Do you know how big one of those bad boys is? Google it, you'll be impressed at Han Solo's Kessel Run skills. Light-years are a bit unwieldy too, but light-seconds? Perfect!

It probably isn't safe to all of the other drivers for me to divert my concentration from such a mundane thing like staying within the lines to the higher order conversion of light seconds into real money, but I quickly emerged from my intellectual coma to exclaim,

"3.3 micro light seconds!"

My startled wife asked me what the heck I was talking about, while I marveled that she could be oblivious to the obvious train of my thoughts. I explained my previous musings to her and informed her that 1 kilometer was equal to 3.3 micro light seconds. She didn't look sufficiently impressed, so I started converting other distances to light seconds for her.

• I drive 215 micro light-seconds to work and back every day.
• It is 8 milli light-seconds from our house to my parents. (doesn't seem far enough, does it)
• It is 61 nano light-seconds from the computer to the fridge. (that's what I'm talking about!)

With this new system, nerds could brag about their cars in new and exciting ways:

"She'll do an 8 second micro light-second!"

"That's nothing. I got a new electric that'll do 0 to ten millionth of c in 4 seconds!"

The possibilities are endless! But how can we bring about this new world order? How can we force everyone to adapt to a new system? We'll need some measurement terrorists of our own. I know a guy in a Wookie costume who might help...

Ode to Starcraft

I love Starcraft. You might note and question the present tense. It isn't a mistake. I look forward to my wife having places to go when I'm home, as it gives me a chance to run to the computer and get my Starcraft fix. I haven't always had Starcraft in my life - ours has been a dysfunctional relationship.

I was first introduced to Blizzard's strategy franchise by way of Warcraft 2. Many a night was spent arguing with my brother over whose turn it was to play. I would even wake up at ungodly hours (the only time my parents would allow me to use the phone line) to play over direct dial up with a friend. When Starcraft came out, we begged and pleaded, and our parents got us a whole new addiction for Christmas.

Going away to college meant leaving Starcraft behind, but it also introduced me to another drug - high speed internet. When I found out that some friends of mine had copies of Starcraft, I participated in the age-old college tradition of mooching and used my new college smarts to navigate to battle.net. My friends and I didn't party in college, we played Starcraft, to the same effect.

Years went by. I got married. I graduated. I got a job. I remembered Starcraft. My youngest brother is more an Age of Empires player and when I asked about Starcraft he said, "That game? You can have it." I nearly cried.

I am a grown man, with a wife, children, a job, and a mortgage; and I still sneak off occasionally to play Starcraft. What has it brought me, you may ask? I owe many of my life's lessons to Starcraft. Let me name a few.

• It's never a good idea to talk smack in the game lobby before a match. That twelve year old kid is just going to embarrass you, and probably with just a few dragoons.
• Education is worth more to you when you pay for it yourself. (I attribute the loss of my full ride scholarship to the fact that I stopped studying and doing my homework during the second semester. The reason? You guessed it.)
• No matter how sophisticated and ordered your defenses, enough zerglings will bust right through them.

I thought for a while that I was surely the only person who still played the original Starcraft, but I have been gratified to find that not only are there still active Starcraft communities, but you can even still buy the game. C'mon, it's only ten bucks. You know you miss it too.

So what classics do you love? What throwbacks from the teenage years do you still indulge in? Hold your heads up high, because as pathetic as it might seem, you aren't the only nerd out there.